Doghouse

I did get a response about 45 minutes later explaining their travel schedule, where she was taking the kids for Thanksgiving, and that I was not to contact the kids face-to-face in the meantime.

No mention of the violent shaking and hitting. No answer at all to their own father. Thus, CPS. That is what they are there for.

*******

As I have been writing the issue of fear keeps coming up. Violence is bore out of fear. Threats are bore out of fear. Reprisals? Fear.

Of course, given his weird warnings to me about verbal and physical assault it seems clear (from actions) that is R's issue, not mine. And it is now on record as domestic violence until he disputes it, which he won't.

You see, he feels justified and not the least bit repentant. When my daughter told him later "I do not like what you did to Adam," his response (according to her) was something along the order of "Adam is a man, and he has to be toughened up."

How does that sit with you when a "man" screams and is violent with a 14-year old boy?

A man can show restraint and maturity in such a situation. Adam had pushed his sister too hard and she fell down. He does not know his own strength (he is now about 6'1"). From all accounts (and remember L did not respond) LIBF did not first attend to Camille but began his attack on Adam.

That says more about LIBF than Adam. I'm sure Adam felt really bad; LIBF did not.

We all make mistakes, but justifying them later is damaging. I have made mistakes and said things in anger. Later I have to come back and apologize and ask for forgiveness and restore the relationship. That is what a man does, not resort to violence then try and mask it with some justification.

And let's be clear, if Adam had been attacking his sister (which he was not) and kept going, then force would have been necessary. But that doesn't fit the model of "toughening him up" does it?

"Toughening up" a 14 year-old boy by modeling aggression and violence only teaches a boy how to remain a boy, a bully and the misuse of power or force.

*******

Recently, a raging neighbor stole my phone thinking it was his next door neighbors. He has been sexually harassing, physically threatening and verbally abusive to this woman and every other woman in the building. He took the phone thinking it was hers (she had left it on a chair). I knew immediately it was him and I knocked on his door, then rang, then pounded because I knew he was there and he had taken my phone (which, by the way had been on the chair for all of two minutes...creepy).

He ripped open the door expecting someone other than me...a man. He sputtered. "You have my phone. I want it now" I said sternly. He was momentarily dazed and did as I had badically commanded. But by the time he got back to the door he regained steam and started to quake and yell all manner of obscenities at me screaming at me to shut up.

"I will not shut up. I want my phone, give it to me now."

He started screaming "Get out of HERE!!!" at the top of his lungs.

"I will not get out of here. You have stolen my property and if you do not give it to me I will call the police".

Then came the lies. "It was on the ground!" he bellowed.

"IT was not on the ground. You are lying. It was on that chair for two minutes and you came out and took it thinking it was H's".

He puffed up his chest and was seething, but I did not back down an inch.

Finally he threw the phone past me.

"If you broke my phone you will replace it." I said.

*******

I hear him downstairs banging on things, slamming doors, and last night, when a neighbor politely suggested to his girlfriend that he move his truck so the recycling men could get to the cans today, he got on his crutches (he blew his knee out a few days after a particularly bad incident...Instant Karma?) and hobbled down to the laundry room where he proceeded to take the neighbors laundry and throw it all over the floor. Then he stole the two light bulbs out of the sockets so it was pitch black in there.

He is 50 years old.

What happened to this man?

Someone taught him cowardice, bullying and violence. He is not a man, he is a shell.

I am not suggesting that LIBF is a shell or really anything like this man. L wouldn't stand for it.

The point is about violence and the formation of character. "Toughness" doesn't come from violence. The "toughest" man of the last century was Ghandi, no? He broke an Empire through Non-Violence and active resistance. In that way he is a reflection of Christ, who also makes "new men and women" in His image. In Him we have the freedom to resist, tell the truth and not resort to power or violence.

When my raging neighbor was so threatening there was every possibility he would hit me. Sure, I have the advantage of being intimidatingly large, but sometimes that eggs bullies on. I was prepared to receive a blow. And if I had I would have simply wrapped him up and asked someone to call the police. It would have solved a lot of problems in this building if he was simply in jail.

But he didn't because at the root of his bullying is fear. That is why he harasses single women. He leaves me alone, and of course Reese, but only because I am here.

*******

The story remains: Adam made a mistake and it hurt his sister, but it was not out of rage or to teach Camille "lesson". What the adult in his life did was teach him about violence and non-restraint.

Regardless, Adam will grow up to be a fine man, just like his brothers. They have self-respect, are kind and caring and they can hold their ground.

I am more worried about Camille. She is genuinely scared, and why not? Just see it through her eyes for a moment. I'm just proud she had the stuff to respectfully question LIBF about it later.

She did not buy his answer, and neither do I.