Doghouse

Bad Faith Goes Farther South

So the latest is that I will not see the kids at all throughout Christmas or in the forseeable future. The action is reckless and meant to be punative. And in the midst I have been regularly assailed and threatened in many ways...none of which I entertain with any seriousness because it is simple intimidation.

Just to be clear, when LIBF began to make serious statements about my long-term relationships with my older sons I did contact them to make extra sure that everything was (as it always has been) on the table and I was not missing anything. Both assured me that words had been placed in their mouths and the oldest said "leave me out of this" which I find a very sane response.

Unfortunately, for me, I cannot stay out of it. I do not get to parent my nine year old daughter again. You have one shot and they are doing their best to make that impossible.

The top three most despicable quotes of the week are as follows. Please remember I did not write these or make them up.

1) "If you continue to place multiple calls to the house in any given hour, I will consider that harassment and get a restraining order. " We have a long standing agreement that the kids always have access via phone. After three days of unreturned calls I called when I knew Camille would be available for a short conversation. Asking to talk with my daughter about her day has nothing to do with L and her life.

Once again, imagine the reverse. What would you say if I restricted Camille's free access to her mother via the phone. That would be unhealthy in my view, and place her in a bad position. I would never do that.

2) "If what I see with Sean and Thomas is any indication of the future then we know where this will end up, and that has nothing to do with me or L, they have made their decisions about how much they want you in their lives as adults. I hope you care enough about Adam and Camille to go down a different path."

The most subtle part of slander is inneundo. The fact is I am quite happy with my relationship with both sons. I only wish I saw them more, but they are very busy and I have to respect their schedule. Both have written me back with distaste at being used as ammunition by LIBF.

The path I have chosen with Adam and Camille is to be open, loving and available on all levels. The only thing hampering the relationship (they cannot destroy it as much as they wish to) is their rigid insistance on controlling the natural and healthy relationship they have with their father.

Once again, I have to point out there never has been an incident here in any way. Meanwhile there have been several on the other end. Kids locked out, grabbed and shaken, left alone with no supervision. None of those things has ever happened here or would.

Fact.

3) "we do the work of parenting 24/7 and it is our schedule that counts not yours." This is my personal favorite as it is so unabashedly arrogant.

The reason they do 24/7 is because they insist on it. I would gladly take the kids two to three days a week. It would be in their best interest to do so.

That's our top three for the week. I feel certain next week will be worse. Keep your sense of humor.

*******

Bad Faith (yes, I did lead with that).

I wrote earlier this week about a moral dilemma I am facing. I think a few of you think this is a game to me of sorts. My pastor thinks that in some way it is my way of having some control in an insane situation. I think he is probably correct. If he wasn't such a aweetheart I could just punch him. I do not see it as a game..I am simply not accepting the role of doormat.

The fact remains that I walk and talk and disclose myself to Rod because I trust him and he is a man who has the aroma of Jesus about him. He subtely disarms me because his sole concern is Gospel and he is steeped in it. He talks from within a world that I do understand and it is very real...just not normal faire.

Thus I often check my weapons at the door when we meet. Sometimes I forget to pick them up on my way home.

This is no small gift to me. In fact, I honestly cannot imagine going through all of this the last four months without his constant counsel.

Which brings us back to the notion of Bad Faith. Sartre coined the term and it has been used in various contexts...but it always is a ruse at the core...a justification in the middle and a projection in the end.

By it men and women justify all manner of injustice and always say the same thing..."My hands are tied..I can do no other thing". Which is simply untrue. It is a bold-faced lie. We have an uncanny and God-given freedom that enables us to choose love and free action at any time. To hide behind any system is just Bad Faith.

Rod does not say this. In fact, he challenges me to use my freedom as gift and to see myself as an image-bearer in some small way, of God. Yikes!

I'm pretty sure that my reflective qualities are pretty muddied...but I cannot deny the calling which is there.

Rod is, for me, an example of real faith, not bad faith. I'm pretty sure it costs him a lot...I am just as sure that it is worth it for the rest of us.

Well I brought up an issue with him two months back. I was (and still am) disturbed by the fact that these two Christian Leaders (LIBF and L) are shacking up. My best friend of 30 years (a Presbyterian minmister) says it is a no-brainer and I should confront the situation with the PCUSA hierarchy.

Now before I go farther let me make it clear that I am not moralizing. I have lived with a woman I was not married to on a couple of occasions. The difference was I did not place myself in a leadership position. In fact, I did the opposite.

There are far worse things than deciding to live with and have sex with your partner. Often those situations result in marriage and a long-term commitment. I have great respect for my father and his wife because they have stuck it out in marriage, but they started as just living together. It's just my dad was not an elder int he church, or a speaker or teacher.

We expect more.

Lest you think me a prig ask yourself how you would feel about your pastor or priest living with a woman instead of marrying her? What do the kids think?

Well Rod always brings things back to my actions (did I mention I could punch him?). He agreed that it was utterly inappropriate for L and LIBF to be such, and also the message that it sends to the kids. But then he asked me about my motives.

Did I really care about the integrity of the Church and leadership, or did I just want to make them feel some small amount of my own pain for their hypocrisy?

Damned good question. Which is why I have remained silent for two months. I have written the letter to Session and the senior pastor at the church L works at.

But I have not sent it.

So here is where I want you all to argue with me. It's an open question.

• Let's assume my motives will never be 100% pure.
• The old adage that two wrongs do not make a right is assumed.
• I have no right to judge or condemn, but I can question.
• The requirements for Christian leadership are specific. I do not meet them..but I am not in such a position.
• Our calling, if I understand rightly, is to Lovingkindess and Truth. Both need to go hand in hand...not easy.
• I do not have to be pragmatic.
• I should probably pass on this
• I should probably take serious issue with this.

A Fundamentalist mindset would simply rack them up. I am not a Fundamentalist. In fact, I place a high premium on human freedom and more importantly grace...even for those who choose to make themselves my enemies.

L and LIBF have chosen to make themselves my enemy. I have not reciprocated in any way. I have done nothing to them nor do I wish to. They, on the other hand have pulled out all the stops. I cannot see my kids, they have put words in my older children's mouths...they have threatened me in a wide array of ways and have been utterly disrespectful of my core role as a father.

Worse (sniff) they think their schedule is more imprtant than mine (probably true).

They have done this without evidence or incident.

Bad Faith.

*******

I really had a lot of fun this Christmas buying for my kids. It does not matter when they get to receive these gifts...they know my heart went into this and I wanted to share it with you because it does give me joy.

I bought Adam a SlugBug. A '69 Beetle with a moon roof. It's rusted, leaking gas and needs major attention. We have two years to get it into a sweet state of being. I like it because it is kind of a legacy. My dad bought an old bug when I was about Adam's agae and we ha d alot of fun working on it. So here's to you dad!

Daughter was far more difficult. Boys are so easy to buy for...daughters...yikes! I spent hours mulling it over.

She mentioned something called Pucci pups. I saw them collecting dust two weeks later. Hmnnn....

I called her and we talked. She had an idea about paper dolls. We talked more.

Daughter is an artist from the core of her being. She thinks creatively by nature. And she is always a number of years ahead. So at nine she is doing 16 year-old work.

So I found a great old wood and leather case and a scrapbook kit. Even better, a wooden box for beads and some amazing treasures at the bead store.

It reminds me of a poem I wrote for Adam when he was 5 called "The Lunchbox". I'll preprint it here in a bit...but the main think is the midfulness you bring to the gift. I was a bit in heaven at the bead store picking out little treasures for my Daughter.

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 7:29 AM