Doghouse

Life Isn't Fair

Tonight's Warrior/Houston game which the Warriors won at the buzzer (basically)










Life is not fair, and it will drive you nuts if you try and make it so, or you will be tempted to compensate for the difficult and depressing aspects. Some things about life are exceptional and beautiful; other things are unjust and ugly.

My evening was either a macrocosm or a microcosm...I can never remember which is which.

As I walked down the street to meet my kids they came running and hugging, then my parents came with their good friend J and we all went out to dinner at a great Italian restaurant. Great food, nice conversation, good stories. As always, the kids were well-haved and fun. Then it was off to the game where we had amazing seats, and backstage (for lack of a better term) access thanks to J's generosity.

The game was close all the way through and it came down to the last few seconds when Baron Davis hit an amazing 3 pointer with 1.2 seconds left to win the game. The place went nuts.

Afterward, we went down, helped ourself to some nice food in the lounge, and Adam got a few autographs on his basketball, including one from Coach Nelson, and two time Olympic Gold Medalist and basketball great Chris Mullin. Cammie got to shake Chris' hand and was quite excited.

A really wonderful evening, the only sour note being when I told Adam I would buy him a new basketball to replace the one which would have autographs. "Yeah, if we ever get to play again..."

We agreed without belaboring that it sucked.

When we got back to L and LIBF's place they were supposed to be there (like an hour earlier, or at least by then, which was 10:30). This was awkward to say the least. J needed to get home and my parents were staying there in Oakland. Individually, each of them suggestied the simple solution was for me to stay and wait (as it seemed L and LIBF would be back 30-60 minutes later from their dinner in San Francisco).

Of course it was logical. I am their father and I love them and they adore me.

I had to watch my words very carefully because the kids were right there. "Not such a good idea," I said and ran the scneario through my head and how L and LIBF would come home and turn a good thing (and a gracious thing since they were late) into another rolling thunder of ugliness, attack and self-righteousness.

Look at what they have concocted from nothing in the past and imagine if they came home and I was sitting in their living room?

Why?

There is no reason. If I was so late and they had to stay and wait for me an hour I would be embarassed and grateful that they had handled it.

Now the above is simply their agenda for eradicating me from my children's lives. It was basically on accident I even found out about Camille's play last night and was happy to attend. (But we'll save that story for tomorrow, unless we do...oh by the time the resign of terror is over I may well have a book).

I hope my parents get it that they were not the least bit considered, nor was J and her schedule...it's just "expected" because they are L and LIBF. And L and LIBF have power and money. They expect to be treated otherwise because they are important people (well LIBF is an important person; L is just his girlfriend). I suspect they will also find it curious that I would be villified (and this would have been no different than any other time it has happened) for putting my kids to bed, especially since they needed to get back to J's house.

But that's there deal. I was just happy to spend the evening with them. It's hard for me to explain what L does, and, frankly, they really do not want to hear about it.

Again, life is not fair. There is no sense moaning about it. Just keep moving forward.

The two issues for me tonight were, of course, about my kids. Those issues are hypocrisy and humiliation.

So for those of you who have been following along, this whole mess of theirs started when my daughter called them because it was late (9:30 on a friday night) and we had not done the bedtime ritual yet that helps her feel less afraid. In response to this they came and took her late at night and she has not been allowed to spend one night here since because I supposedly cannot "take care of the kids basic needs".

So how does that line up with the very real possibility tonight that Camille was going to go to bed with only her brother in the house (it was discussed by my parents). No bedtime ritual, and no adult even present?

How does it meet the basic needs of kids when they are farmed out to all manner of different cities sometimes for 3 and 4 days at a time with neither primary parent? That is what single mom's have to do who have night jobs...not responsible parents with two adults and a large income.

But because at 9:30 one night I had not yet brushed her teeth (we had been laying down to watch a movie together) up until 3 or 4 minutes later when she came back in the room with the phone and I had to deal with an outraged L.

Who is outraged for Camille when she goes to sleep with no parent in the house? Adam implied tonight that it happens.

Who is appalled when she is farmed out for days at a time even though she still gets scared?

Hypocrisy is when it is not okay for you and I persecute you, but it's just fine for me because, it's me. I get a special dispensation. I get to leave my kids alone at home. I get to ignore the bedtime ritual. I even get to live with my boyfriend even though I am in Christian leadership where that is out of bounds.

Why?

Because it is me and not you

Tonight when Cammile went to bed before L and LIBF got home at 11:00, but probably 11:30, who did that ritual with her that L thought so crucial that she would withold her own child from a loving father?

If that makes any sense to you please explain it to me like I am six years old...no, like I am a nine-year-old girl.

*******

The sadder aspect is humiliation of the family itself. Anytime either primary parent, or any family member is diminished, the whole family is hurt. Adam hymned and hawed about whether he would even see me for Christmas. Camille had the saddest look on her face I think I have ever seen. "I hope I get to see you at Christmastime" she said glumly.

She had also made a present for me at school, but was unsure if and when I would be able to get it.

Frankly I have no confidence at ALL that I will be able to see them since they are conveniently already scheduled out weeks in advance. After long negotiations for a day meeting, that becomes a fiasco simply because L chooses to make it so.

Why?

I myself do not allow myself to be humiliated by L and LIBF. If anything I feel sad for them. Karma, or reaping what you sow is part of God's natural order. But by their attempts to humiliate and exclude me in front of my children they are damaging my children and creating loss and soul-sadness.

I will not berate either L or LIBF in front of the children. I just hear their pain and assure them they are loved by me. I will also tell them the truth when asked or when they want to talk.

What does it say that L and LIBF do not want them to talk?

Is it possible that the reason they are trying to eradicate me from my kid's lives is because I talk so well and openly with them?

Instead of exhibiting justice and humility, they are exemplying power and hypocrisy. I would ask anyone to simply look at the example of the two"bedtimes" (the night they took Camille, and tonight when they made no provision for her). There was the incident the Sunday morning after they came to get her when she was locked out of the house for 20 plus minutes.

That has never happened on my watch. In fact, one the weekends they use to come we spent the entire time together...unhindered except for maybe a very brief period to answer some emails.

• I have not sent my daughter to bed without an adult in the house (as capable as Adam is, and he is).
• I have not been unaware of her whereabouts.
• I have not threatened my kids in an overt physical way
  
• I have not tried to silence my kids, other than for a brief moment so I could hear myself think.
• I have not discouraged or hindered their relationship with their mother in any way.

Can L and LIBF say the same?

Children often have an even stronger sense of fairness and justice than adults do. And they watch everything. They have watched me and they are watching this.

This situation has created an excruciating moral dilemma in the hearts and minds of my children. I saw it in my daughter's face tonight. She was demoralized, and that came from the attempted humiliation of her father by her mother.

You don't need Dr. Freud really to figure this out.

She hid it a few moments later, almost as if she had to and smiled and wanted another kiss and a hug. She is coping the best she can. But she is deeply sad and there is no reason for her to be.

So tonight was very much like life is regularly. In the old days it might have made me want to anesthetize so I could skip the really twisted and ugly things that happen and that people do to each other. I have learned, and keep learning, it is better to be sad. Trust God to bring justice on His time, while also speaking out openly, yet with circumspection (I am far from perfect by anyone's standard, including my own).

Oh...and I can always write. That helps a great deal too. All comments invited as always.

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 12:15 AM