Doghouse

"This Conversation is Over" part 134

It changes all over the map on a monthly basis.

At first it is notification via email that only email will do (this is after being hung up on a few times) and that LIBF will be the one doing the negotiating. Then when that is ignored (because LIBF has no say in any of this legally or otherwise) then it becomes email only with many threats about not reading emails if they do not say what is wanted. Such as:

I will not read an email from you debating this. If you want the schedule this way, this is what I'm willing to offer. I don't care if you like it nor how you judge me. This is what I can do this weekend. Let me know. If I get an email stating anything other than when you are going to drop Adam (half way at 1:30 or all the way at 3:30), we will go back to the day visit and I will get them both on Saturday, and if you harass me too greatly, we will reschedule the visit.

This email about my not debating via email is followed by two more emails from her going into great detail and debate, but with suitible warnings not to reply in any fashion or further access to the kids will be denied. "Harassing too greatly" equals answering in a civil tone.
The reality is that you cannot have a discussion with Lucy. It is not judgment on my part, just experience.

Anyone who knows me has had discussion with me where I listened, considered and even changed my mind...right there on the spot. That is what adults do in discourse. But this is not whatever happens with Lucy. She called yesterday, after I had made it clear that I would still come get the kids this morning and also meet her in Richmond tomorrow night. She objected and started to make accusations which were more or less silly. And this, even though she got what she wanted and I did not.

She hung up on me.

Just another version of "this conversation is over". Which is why I email. You have seen from the emails what I am dealing with here. It is worse on the phone because there is no record. It consists of Lucy spouting off, accusing and berating, then if you have anything to say at all she hangs up on you.

Over the years I have learned that I was never intended to actually be conversational. At least in an email I get to ask real questions even though they are never answered.

The illusion is that if one can control the means of communication that one can also control the message. Not so. The very nature of language and reason are a threat to supposed and presumptuous powers.

Reality is on my side. My son is 14 and my daughter is 9. That means Lucy has to deal with me for at least another 9 years in some direct fashion. The conversation is not over until then, when I can finally shake the dust off my shoes and move on. In the meantime, she will have to find someone else to terrorize so long as it is not my kids.

I am grateful for email because there is accountability in it, as there is in blogging. Any number of you can bring me up short on something I am not seeing and the conversation is not over by any means. I feel certain I have blind spots, and the urging to be compassionate in return for evil is a good one. I never said I was gonna do this perfectly.

Overall it is about the kids. That is where the real rub is. As the one being villified and also manipulated (or the attempt is there) I have to balance their immediate needs with the long term ramifications.

*******

I wrote recently about incarnational love. At the core you see out from another person's view. I look out from Adam and Camille's view and see how they watch this crap happening. You cannot fool children very often. They are watching for two things....do I have self-respect enough to speak the truth and resist manipulation; and will I be compassionate with their mother and show her respect.

They already know she does not respect me. They are watching to see if I will accept this. I will not, and this makes them happy. That leaves only the latter question. I will not disrespect her. In fact, I will continue to focus on what she does well and faithfully, and hope that in time she will find healing for those places that invite her to be mean and controlling.

It's not my deal anymore. My kids are and I have a great day ahead of me with them. I'll post pictures later.

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 6:18 AM