Doghouse

Face the facts Lucy

There is no such thing as a simple negotiation with Lucy (this is my new name for L...she has all the attitude and spunk).

Lucy wrote me this:

I need to be clear: we are beyond working around what you think is fair and right. The only thing that matters is whether or not you are willing to see Adam and Camille in terms that I agree to. Your accusations about your kids being withheld are false, but your unwillingness to do whatever it takes in order to see your kids continues.

This does not have to be fair. I never has been. I am no longer willing to work hard so the kids can see you. You will have to be the one working hard for that. It won't matter to Adam if you tell him I was unwilling to come get him. Coming to get him is not part of my job as a mother. It is your job as a father to do whatever it takes to see your son, which you do not do.

The simple reality is that there are steps that needs to be taken before the visitation situation changes, and until you take those steps which are clearly deliniated, I am willing to allow the kids to see you with supervision, but you're going to have to make it work.

Now, what you are saying, regardless of how it is framed, regardless of all your words about my motives and how inconsiderate I am, what you are saying is that spending time with Adam is not worth a drive to SF on Sunday. That is something you need to go public with. That is something you need to archive and save for your attorney when you go back to court to change the order.

I will see you tomorrow morning here at 10:30 and in Richmond at 7:00 to get both kids unless you're unwilling to do that. In which case there will be no visit, the kids will remain 25 miles away from you, and you will spend the day writing about how you can't see them, which is so much easier than actually parenting.

Now we have to unpack this a bit at a time.

The first thing to note is she has to be clear for herself. No one else needs to be clear. Second, she admits it is not fair nor does it need to be fair.

So she needs to be clear about her being unfair.

Okay. I'm clear on both.

My kids have been witheld from me. That is not false. And when I have asked to see them I have to go through a phalanx of BS (see above...which was the third email today) to even do that. I had already agreed to her stipulations and timetables...then she changed them. I agreed to the modifications...she now challenges those.

Does that make ya wonder?

It is unusual that she admits it is unfair. Yet she is not apologizing. I have yet to see any evidence that she has "worked" at anything concerning my kids and my relationship. She has certainly done all she can to eradicate it. Maybe that takes work and she is just confused.

Adam is certainly worth much more than a drive to San Francisco. That is not the issue. The issue is she agreed to come and pick him up on Sunday since we were doing the bulk of driving. if I give in on this then I do all the driving from here on out...until she decides that is not enough.
You see (see earlier posts) it never ends with this one. If there was an end in sight, or it was reasonable or some way to stop the bleeding that she needs to see happen, I'd be all for it. In fact, I have been all for it...and it has landed me here...right HERE.

It has landed me with dealing with an irrational woman who admits it is not fair or right but who simply wants life on her terms only. It is not about the kids or what is fair. It is about what she wants...and that alone.

The point is I am not allowed to parent, which is really a shame since all of my kids enjoy being parented by me. I will be again and her reign of terror will be over. Until then I will continue to speak openly about what has been done, what is being done and how it affects my children.

Part of Lucy's responsibility as a divorced parent is to come and get Adam after a weekend visitation, just as it is mine to come and pick him on tomorrow morning. It is not what they want at all, and such power plays are bad for the soul and they do spill into the children like bad karma. A mature couple that has divorced place the welfare of the children first over their own issues. That means good will, fairness and equity. That is what the kids will remember and also see modeled in what transpires.

I am very open to good will, equity and fairness in all areas. But I can only do my part.

*******

Make a note. I have agreed, no matter how unfair, to both pick the kids up tomorrow and then meet in Richmond at 7 p.m. This is far from my ideal, but I want to give Camille her present and spend some time with both. If it is refesued, it is not because I have not agreed to the demands. It will be sheer arrogance and pride that will undo a very simple visit. 

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 3:33 PM