Doghouse

Adam Part 2

Adam and I reconstruct Kite Number 2 from the "Bag O' Fun"
















One of the stronger biblical admonitions is to respect your father and your mother. It's a needed respect for loving authority in life.

Of course this is very difficult in some cases when fathers and mothers do not respect themselves, or their kids and are abusive.

My parents were not abusive, they were just screwed up like, well, like we all are to some degree. But as a Christian I hold to this seriously...to respect both.

Now this is a lot easier with my father. My mother is...er, relationally challenged; but my dad keeps trying and we have made progress to the point where I believe he feels respected and cared for by me.

It is really for the child's benefit...not the parent (although they have less crap to deal with to be sure). If the child does not respect his parents they are left in a personal anarchy and confusion that can be hellish.

We have all read stories of successful athletes who were raised soley by their mothers. The mother has to do both parts because the man has deserted them. My own father was raised by a marvelous woman who did it all alone. She also helped raise me and my memories of her are sweet. She was the grace of God.

(It is at this point that L would always yell at me "Could you get to the point!!")

Nope. My blog, and you can shut your yapper.

In this case I deserted no one and I write a painful check every month so that I can, er...not see my kids but be an additional source of revenue for L. I not only did not desert my kids I was forced out.

Now that may sound like sour grapes...but actually it was a mercy. I doubt I would be here today had she not done so because she had so destroyed my self-esteem and self-respect that I truly did want to die.

There is a story about two of my best friends, Scott and Kim, coming back from Tahoe right past Roseville. As they approached Scott said to Kim "should we stop and see Mac?"

They deliberated and decided it was too sad and gruesome to watch what was regularly transpiring. They had seen it for years and did not want to see a man they love so demoralized and sad. They kept driving right on by.

I cannot say I blame them. A few years later Scott would say "I feel like I have my friend back from the dead".

Now how does all this relate to Adam????

He is a young man and he needs his father and we are very close. In fact it is unusual that I never had a rough patch with my boys through adolescence. I remember when Thomas went through a bad patch of depression and his lanky frame at 14 draped on my lap and my just holding him, praying for him and stroking his hair as he cried.

No imagine while he is going through that he is not allowed to see me freely?

And here is the brutal message: "We (meaning L and LIBF) need to "protect" you from your own father."

That is a sick message for Adam to hear. How are kids supposed to respect their parents if one parent treats the other (through coercion) like a second-class parent?

What does that set in the heart and mind of a young man?

L's rage and ability to block out reality scares me...but no one is perfect or gets a perfect parent. My dad use to rage at me...in the words of Monty Python "he got better". It did not matter that it happened when I was in my 40s.

You still need your dad. And every child, if they can, is better for respecting their father and mother. I feel better about myself when I respect my father. My mother...well I try.

Respect is a funny thing. Many people think it must be earned...which is problematic because people are so messed up and judgmental. I personally think it needs to be freely bestowed. My kids never got to "earn" respect. I gave it to them and they accepted it and embodied it.

When L decided to go for a better degree and in theology I had a choice to have her earn respect or simply to give it. I gave it. Even now, after what she has done, I am reticent to withdraw that.

Ironic huh?

Here is what my kids need and it is simple. They need regualr weekends with their father who loves, respects and engages them.

Anything less is bullshit and ego. 

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 7:02 AM