Doghouse

Friendship and Home

Hart Drive house where I lived from age 3-7 in San Diego.











I was in San Diego on business and Scott Mitchell and I decided to head to Kensington to see the old neighborhood.

While I was in San Diego I got to spend some good time with the Mitchells, all four of them. Kate and Parker view me like a giant walking amusement park. They want stories, and every funny voice I can do. At bedtime we chose a Bible story book that was all set to rhyme and I went Ghetto and started to rap it out (cracker rap) while Mitch did the backbeat. Of course, the kids went nuts...I even had to work that into the rap:

"Now big old Goliath
had been well fed
But Parker better get his
cracker hiney in the bed!"

Laura got back from her Bible study and came up and joined us. Everyone was laughing an silly. Scott tried to do one himself, but he went to Princeton, so it came out a bit stuffy.

Later I sat outside on the back porch. Laura's artistry with their house, their deep respect for each other after 12 years and their two delightful kids who only see me every few years but always come over and hug me.

I am not an envious man. In fact, one of the few biblical admonitions I seem to have nailed is "rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep". I am actually rather good at both. So seeing the Mitchells so happy, together and in tight relationship made me genuinely very happy and content.

It has not been my lot in life, probably for many reasons, some external, some internal. Yet I always have my children and they have me, even if they are being witheld. The same is true for friendship. Scott and I have been close friends for 32 years; Kim and I for 31; Roe 27; Tony 26; Big Mike 19; Spritz 18. And that's just the short list. There are many many more., some of whom are reading this weekly. I thank you all for your words of encouragement and also for your taking the time and care to sometimes question me and my own process on this. That is what good friends do.

Many of my friends have been witness over the years to L's aggression and they are, frankly, upset right now that a good father is being denied regular visitation with his kids. Some of them even feel sympathy for L because they know well how childish she can be and that is not my issue.

To my knowledge L has only one friend really (LIBF doesn't count until they get married because L can turn in a day) and that friendship only about 6 years old. I have been her friend for a couple of decades, but it is not reciprocal. And I even attempted to be LIBF's friend. I went and helped him move his things from one storage unit to another; I brought the kids out to cheer him on in an early morning race here in town, and I went and brought dinner when they moved into their new place. Beyond that, I tried to even invite him to get to know my family by asking him to officiate at my brother's memorial service a year ago. Of course, he was doing something for me there as well, for which I was, and am grateful. But once again, it is a one-way street. His response is official...it does not matter what I say, but what I do. But then what I do does not matter either (convenient huh?) because I care for my kids actively. I came and helped him move his stuff for many hours...blah blah blah.

Would LIBF come help me move stuff? Would he come and cheer me on with the kids? Would he bring me dinner when I move?

Now having read that last long paragraph, how do you think I feel?

To this LIBF would probably say (he is not speaking anymore) that I am blaming others. No, I blame only myself for once again being naive. But that does not keep me from telling the truth about what has happened or is happening. Better to do it now because it all comes out sooner or later. And while I may be naive, I do not think love is ever a bad decision so long as it is given freely.

Do I regret helping LIBF move his stuff? No. I didn't do it to get anything. Do I regret counseling and encouraging L in times of depression about her parenting? No. I didn't do it to get anything.

Love is very different than the carrot and the stick. I think a great many people, particularly religious ones, live by the carrot and the stick rather than grace and agape (gift love). They avoid the loving and gracious Lordship of Christ in favor of the carrot and the stick with each other. And they torture each other with it until all the love is bled out over time because it is all about the scenario they want and not the scenario they can give in.

The scenario I can give in with my kids is one which is unhindered and open; not rigid and prescribed and based in a deep disrespect for fathering. I will not allow my kids to see me so disrespected, not because I am proud (I am not and no one who knows me things I am) but because it hurts them.

Laura asked me about that the other night as we talked and Scott played tunes on his Guild. She was asking good mother questions and seeing from the eyes of my children. I am glad to have her as a friend. I had empathy, but I am a father and I have mostly father answers. It was a good mix...a more full picture.

More tomorrow. Rod is preaching on Mark 5 and I am looking forward to it.

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 8:12 AM