Doghouse

The Price of Power

I met with my pastor friend this morning and discussed the situation. He reminded me there were limits, which is not always what you want to hear when someone is witholding your children from you. It's hard-wired inside. If the roles were reversed L would go insane and nuke my house until it glowed.

I am not insane. In fact, I have to be very steady and sane. Measured response.

Rod reminded me that we are all image-bearers, and as such I should also keep an eye still open to that image of God that my ex-wife posesses.

Of course, he is right. And that tempers my view.

Throughout the Old Testament lovingkindess and truth are always held together. The same in the New, only it is phrased "grace and truth". It is not always easy to hold both in a tension when things like this happen.

But you can by the grace of God.

My Ex is furious and threatening about my simply being truthful about all of this. I really have no further recourse. Repression is not healthy, nor is oppression. And if she could get away with it, and did not need a monthly check and a warm body as father, she would probably cut my heart out with a cold spoon.

So I will speak the truth, but I will temper it with grace.

Okay, what mistakes did I make? (Because there are always two sides).

I did just run out of gas on a friday night at 9:30 when my daughter needed a good ritual bedtime. I thought it enough to simply lay down on the bed and watch a movie with her.

I was wrong.

I take my daughter's needs seriously. I'm not perfect in this (obviously) but I do take it seriously.

By her own admission (and I feel sure she will never admit anything again in any context) L has fostered an overly dependent relationship with Daughter. I have seen this coming for three years...but I also have a sort of animal faith in L's ability to mother. She is a very good mother in most all cases. All parents make mistakes...it's just me who gets called on it when one is made.

The day after Daughter was whisked away "for her own protection" she was locked out of her new house in Alameda. It's hard to get an accounting of it, but the estimate is somewhere between 5 and 20 minutes that she was left alone in a new neighborhood and not safe.

But as I said, I tend to look at the long haul and see L's good points.

Well because I did not do the whole ritual I got an angry phone call within five minutes (remember that number?) Instead of talking I was yelled at in the way L use to do becfore she supposedly "grew up".

I went in and talked with daughter...but it was hard because the phone kept ringing off the hook like crazy. When I was done holding her and letting her cry I asked her to call her mother so they could talk.

By then Live-In Boyfriend (LIBF from here on out because he is not even a stepfather or married to my Ex) gets on the phone and barks that he is coming to get my daughter. LIBF reminds me quickly that I have no recourse as L has sole custody (which we shall cover tomorrow...now that's a fun story).

So remember...not a harsh word has been spoken, nor anything denied to my daughter that should could not have asked for. And actually, had she followed protocol and come to ask me to use the phone (which children always get to do in these cases...regardless) I would have sensed she was in need and we would have talked first and the whole "crisis" averted.

In such cases I am deeply grateful for my roomate who witnesses it all. She knows my love for my kids and my care and creativity with them. She has watched for two years and sees both how amazing my kids are and how I father them.

So the real issue is power and the price is very high. Currently my kids, instead of spending a great weekend with their Papi, have been shuttled off to other locations by their mother and LIBF because they are too busy to watch them.

So it's not about bedtime rituals or safety at all. It's about power.

In numerous emails I received yesterday from L there was a common theme...power (her having it) and the underlying theme of her own fear which drives her.

What she fails to realize is that when you take enough away from a person it does not matter. They become free to speak because they have nothing left to bargain with. It's a kind of freedom that I do not suggest for the squeemish. It's rough and raw...but you are free to speak.

So she has taken my children, legislated my relationship with them, used the power of the State to render me a second-class parent (without grounds) and now would like me to accept that it's all my fault.

Nope.

Tony Campolo says that "the person who loves the least has the power". He wrote a whole book on power and I suggest you pick it up.

I love my kids. L has the power.

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 9:34 AM