Doghouse

LIBF

They look so happy.







It was LIBF (Live-In Boy Friend) who threw down the gauntlet, not I.

Because the State of California has done it's dirty work a LIBF has more power than a natural father who has a clean track record for love and nurture.

Boy, I bet around now he wishes I was a plumber instead of a writer.

Okay, let's get a few things clear.

One, it is true that the reason good fathers get disenfranchised in a divorce is simply because women's track records are better than mens when it comes to kids. That's just a fact.

Men tend to simply to go looking to breed as soon as possible.

Well I didn't back in the Summer of 2001. In fact, knowing what I know I put myself on the bench as damaged goods after the divorce for...well...I held out for I think nine months...maybe ten, till the Spring of 2002.

You are supposed to go at least two years...maybe longer after a 15 year marriage. But you get lonely...and well there is this other issue:

DESPAIR.

Now I believe despair is named as a sin by many theologians and I cannot say I disagree with them. It is a repudiation of faith and faith is a major way of connecting with God.

Despair is not so good.

But it hits you like seemingly unending waves. You wake up in the morning and you puke. You sleep alone and scream into your pillow. You miss your kids and the sound of them sleeping and breathing in the next room. And you are essentially powerless to do anything about it.

So I was the first to become a LIBF. I dated, met a very interested person who wanted me to move in and because of despair I did.

You do not know at the time it is despair. You may even mistake it for lust or love.

But it's despair. Or was in my case.

Now that is just me. Other people shack-up for all manner of reasons not based on despair. At worst distrust and fear, at best you really like and love each other and get along.

*******

I only recently understood this because I am no longer in despair. You look back and go "what the hell was that?" Then you realize you were in shock because of too much loss.

Time heals.

*******

But at that time I did not see it. I suspected, because I am not gifted in repression (can ya tell?) I worried what my moving in with a woman not my wife would display to my kids. So I did the natural deflective things...I moved into a separate room. So she had her room, I mine and the kids there's when they came to visit.

But the problem is that without covenant you are really not committed. It's like having one foot in and the other on the fire escape.

(God shakes head).

As you might expect things did not work out and got even more ridiculous for a time until a met a woman in San Francisco. I was not LIBF because I was "shacked-up" elsewhere (inside joke).

I had a LIGF for a period of time. She is now my roommate. We are not intimate, more like simple family. I like this (most of the time..do not get me wrong, she is drop-dead gorgeous) because I feel free to just focus on God and I do not have to worry about "pleasing her" as Paul says.

I just have to be kind and respectful and remember to get my underwear off the bathroom floor and put her eyedrops back in the drawer.

Which brings us back to L's LIBF.

See he is beholden to please her. Worse they are both involved in Christian leadership, and as such are supposed to be examples and consistent with biblical teachings.

Back when I was the LIBF the pastor of my church (and amazing man of love and truth) sat down with me. I had been becoming more and more involved with leadership. I'm a natural leader with some added gifts.

I really hardly ever lie...like maybe once every decade. So he knew I was LIBF and I even brought my girlfriend to events.

"You know I don't judge you and that I love you," he said.

I knew this. He proved it by action...and does till this day.

"What would you say if you were in my position?"

"I'd say you are welcome fully into this fellowship in all ways, but you should not be in leadership so long as you are living with your girlfriend."

He shook his head and laughed. "That was easy."

And that was that.

********

My Ex works at a Christian school and her LIBF is a major player in the Christian publishing world. Initially I was supportive because it is their lives and I'm not an over-moralizing hard guy without compassion. Plus, I figure I am in no position to judge, not that I should anyway (and neither should you).

So this is not judgment. That's not my schtick. I am built to be a healer (albeit wounded in Nouwen's sense), reconciler and peacemaker. Many people would be severely disappointed if I was unfair in this or over-zealous.

But war is being made on me regarding my kids. When that happens I will take up the sword (as I am doing now) with restraint (note I am not naming names).

An eight-year old girl enjoyed a good day with her Papi on a friday night. They decided to watch a movie and it was late, Not a harsh word was shared and she simply went out and called her mother who over-reacted and then LIBF declared (and it was a declaration that hailed back to some injury he himself incurred) that he "had to come get her".

He did not. It was dumb. Way dumb. And he is simply LIBF, not the father.

Since receiving a fairly mindless email ramble from LIBF where he said words did not matter (tell that to his authors and the head of his publishing company) he has simply dropped off the planet.

I am sure he reads this and scratches his head and wonders "how did I get into this mess?"

Being beholden to the past and most assuredly the present relationship.

How do they explain to the kids about living together and not being married?

Why, they have separate bedrooms in the same house.

Sound familiar?

*******

Just to be clear, for those who do not share a common commitment to Christian faith and practice I would not hold up this normative notion of martial commitment. My roommate is a self-confessed Pagan and I respect her beliefs and moral values. In fact, I find her a great deal more moral and "godly" than most Christians I know. More loving and honest as well. I never have to watch my back around her, and that is more than I can say about my Christian Ex-wife who is studying to get a Ph.D so she can teach other Christians.

As Melville said in Moby Dick, "Better a sober Heathen than a drunken Christian".

In this case the brew is power and control. And my kids are suffering for it. And so am I.

So I have asked her in the past about marriage and she basically said "Peh". She likes things as they are. I have to say that now that I am not LIBF, but just a roommate it has gotten simpler. No love has been lost, nor respect and I am also grateful to have her here as "witness" because otherwise I would be screwed yet once again.

My kids also adore her and trust her, and that is no small gift. She's maybe the best person I know.

posted by Obi-Mac BakDon @ 9:40 AM