Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 1
After the services start it thins out, but it's a madhouse at other times.________________________________________
I found him. I found Jesus at a Megachurch.
He was in the closet and I outed him.
Here is the story...I went on a bright Sunday morning to a Megachurch that houses 22,000 people on any given Sunday. I waited to park my car in Lot 47, It took awhile as I was behind 37 SUVs and MiniVans.
Fortunately, I left early enough anticipating this, and I wanted to get a good seat in viewing room 19, or possibly room 11, which is near espresso bar 4.
But I want you, dear readers, to know that I came with one thought, to find Jesus.
As I was about to sit down in viewing room 11 I saw Bob Shindler walking by. I had seen him once about three years back at this church, which is called "Estuary Bay Church". They had tried to get "Riverbend", but that and "Creek Hollow" had been taken. In either event it is nowhere near water.
That morning, Bob and I shared a ten minute latte at espresso bar 7 and after a deep three minute conversation we exchanged business cards and promised to keep in touch. I had not seen him since.
Bob saw me and came over.
"Hey, er..."
"Mac"
"Yeah! Mac-Buddy...howzit han...er, how ya doing?"
"Good Bob. Gosh I've been here about 30 times since I saw you last but I've never seen ya. Did you move?"
"Nope. Been here every week. We have saved seats up in deck 3, aisle 305."
"Wow. Impressive"
"Sure is. We got it when we became Mustard-Seed Partners. Hey Mac...you know what? My wife is sick this morning...we got an extra seat. Come up with me."
So I did. I always was kinda curious what the live event looked like. Once before I almost got in service 5 during the NFL playoffs, but only made it to video-room 3.
So this was a real treat, and as I said I was looking to meet the J-Man.
We took the elevator up and made it to our seats just in time.
I admit it was still hard to see. Mustard Seed seats were, well apty named. The pastor and the band behind him looked a bit like a spilled packet of moveable seeds. But it was no big deal because fiftenn rows down a flat-panel monitor was mounted to the ceiling and gave a close up view.
The singing had begun but I noticed no one in Section 305 was singing. I thought that odd. I'd always kinda liked the singing, and they did do some of that in the viewing rooms, but there were only maybe 500 people per room, so it was a lot more intimate.
"Thanks Bob, this is nice. How is the practice?"
"Oh I gave that up two years ago," he smiled.
"Really, whatcha doing now?"
"Amway distributor," he said. "yep, 16 of my top distributors are right here in this section, and another 8 over in 307."
I felt a little ill, so I just looked ahead.
_______________________
Part 2 on the way...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 2
The preacher/pastor, a lively and passionate man named Steven White pranced back and forth with a wide gleam. He spoke passionately about his new book "The 7 keys to Successful Living" and then invited his wife to come up and explain the various children's and women's minitries.
Behind him sat associates, about twenty in all, but I guessed their were more serving throughout the Megaplex.
Then there were prayers offered for our leaders and troops and a short play.
Finally came the sermon. There was a quote from Proverbs, then another from Acts.
The sermon referenced neither of these in a way I could detect.
I kept wondering where Jesus was in all of this? What did jesus say about hate, war and cruelty? What words did he have for the religious? If he was here now what would he think of this.
Then it hit me. Of course he was here. I mean, at the core of Christian belief is the notion that God became incarnate (which by the way means that the body is good) and was resurrected to life and is alive...right now...here today.
So why, if these were Christians, did they treat Jesus as if he was stone-cold dead and just an idea? Why did they commemorate him and use him in a formulaic way, but then ignore him entirely.
I said a quick prayer in my head.
"Are you here?"
"Of course I am here," came the reply in my head.
"That you really...in my head?"
"Well I'm a bit indisposed right now, but who else would it be?"
"Well, you know what they say..."
"What, that you are crazy? Hehe"
"No, the other thingy...bad guy."
"Oh he cannot hear your thoughts, he's just good at guessing....kinda like Dr. Phil."
"Okay, so I am not crazy?"
"No, but only if you believe me and not your ex-wives."
"I'm gonna go with you on this one."
"Where are you right now...aren't you supposed to be down front and center?"
"Well that was the plan, but they did it to me again," said the voice.
"Did what?"
"I'm in the closet."
"In the what?"
"On deck two, near section 101 ...I'm locked in the closet."
"Yer joking," I said, semi-aloud...
"What?" asked Bob.
"Er, nothing. Hey I gotta ..you know...I'll be back. Save my seat."
I walked out across the deeply carpeted expanse and ducked into the men's room. I splashed water on my face and thought about leaving straight away. But I was intrigued by then. And you know what they say about the cat...
I sat down in a stall and put my face in my hands.
"You back?" came the voice. "I thought you had deserted me."
"I was thinking about it. Sorry."
"Naw..I'm use to it. Happens all the time."
"But I thought you were the 'Hound of heaven'."
"Where do you get that?"
"I dunno. Jonathan Edwards?"
"Oh he was such a tight-ass." said the voice. "Look I may be a Lion and I may be a Lamb, but I ain't Dog. Your'e the one with the Doghouse, not me."
"Oh so you know about that?"
"Sigh... Look I am on level 2, near section 101, I could really use some help here."
"Okay, I'm on my way."
_________________
Next...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 3
As I hurried down I could hear the preacher/pastor wrapping up his melodic sermon on people's potential, partnerships and, I dunno....I think there were three other "p's" in there somewhere. I reach the second floor when I asked (inside my head).
"Okay, why do you need my help if you are who you say you are?"
"It's complicated, yet really simple."
"Are you always so enigmatic?"
"What do you think?"
"Yeah... okay, I'll give you that one."
"I'm almost there." I said shaking my head. "And you are in the closet."
"Yes, they locked me in here."
I reached what I thought was the door. When I grabbed and turned it just led to a long hall and the sign said something about security for a "studio".
Suddenly I almost started laughing out loud. Because I am a smartass, I held my wrist up to my mouth the way Secret Service do and in my head said "Sorry, nogo. I hit the studio. Are you East/West from this location?" Then I added a "Qisssshh!" static-like noise in my head (which is not that easy...try it).
"Very fun. I am due West about 20 steps."
When I got to the grey door it was locked.
"It's locked," I said exasperated, "what now..I mean who locks a cleaning closet?"
"I suppose it depends on what is inside," said the voice.
"Good point. Look I need some help..I mean the service is almost over and this place will be flooded."
"I said I'd never do that again," he said.
"Very funny. You gonna sit in the closet and make divine jokes all day long or help me here?"
"You have to pray" came the voice.
"I just did" I said.
"Very good. Clever boy."
As he heard that he could see a few people releasing from the service...people who had to setup the 78 ministry tables down in the three rotundas.
"But you need to...you know..."
"Oh yeah..okay," I said frantic. "Father help me with this door so I can get to your son and I ask it in His name and for His glory. Amen" I said under my breath.
"How was that?"
"A little stiff, but thanks. He likes it that way. It gets His attention. And it's actually good for you on 3,438 different levels of reality which I'll explain to you after you die."
"That gonna be anytime soon? I know your track record, people don't stick around very long. It's like being the black cop buddy in a major movie."
"Could you just work the door please?"
I grabbed the door and it swung right open.
I started to make a joke in my head about him being "the door" but stopped dead in my tracks.
____________________
Finding Jesus...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 4
There he was in the semi-dark, bound, gagged and slumped in the corner.
He had rich chocolate skin and deep inset eyes. Not handsome, but neither is Jean Reno and he draws you right in too.
His mouth was gagged, and he was roped up pretty good. I professional job worthy of the Jesus Seminar.
"I heard that" I heard in my head. "Very funny...Can you get this stuff off of me?"
"Oh, sorry ," I said aloud. "Here let me help you."
I undid the gag first and wiped his sweating forehead with it. Then I untied him.
"Are you okay to get up?"
"I manage on occasion" he smiled.
It was kind of a moment for me. I have to say that. The smile. The closest smile to that I have ever seen to that was smiles on my children's faces are various utterly innocent moments, yet here in a grown man.
Now he is not very tall, and I am. When J.B. Philips wrote his famous "Your God is Too Small" I think he missed it by a foot or two. He's about the size of LaBeau in Hogan's Heroes, but impressive nonetheless. He could definitely have taken Napoleon except for the non-violence thing.
Anyway, after he got the blood, or whatever runs through a resurrected body going through his veins, he said, "It's time to go."
"Wait," I said. "Don't you mind that they locked you in a closet gagged and tied up?"
"Happens all the time. During the Inquisition...boy...I would have loved a closet with the clean scent of pine".
"But what about all these people?"
"Oh I meet them all the time."
"What here? In tier 3, section 307?"
"Every once and awhile. I met you today didn't I? And you were in seat 34 in 303 next to Bob."
"Is his wife really sick?"
"No, she left him six months ago. He gives away his seat every week to a different person. No one knows. You should call him next week."
"I should?" I asked. "He'll just get me in Amway."
"No, he won't. Take him for a beer and ask him about his life. Tell him your own struggles. He'll cry and tell all. Be me to him. Be his friend."
"Okay. I guess I can do that."
"You did use to be a pastor..."
"ha! yeah...how did I do?"
"You don't wanna know."
"NO really..."
"Look I'm a merciful God...don't push it."
_______________________
The Conversation...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 5
Mac in the Big Coat._______________
The service was letting out. I led him out and shut the cleaning room door.
"Where now?" I asked. "Your agenda."
"I don't know what do you want to do?" he asked looking up.
"What is this?... like being 10 years old in the Summer with nothing to do kinda-thingy? I mean I just got into my first service in three years and then you start talking in my head and then I find you tied up in a broom closet. It's a bit much."
"Okay...okay," he said shaking his head. "Boy you had some pretty lame ideas when you were ten."
"Yeah, well some things never change." I said quietly whispering. "Look do you want to get out of here? I'd like to talk a bit more if you do not mind."
"Sure," he said. "Hey one cool thing was when you and Paul Standing made that model airplane and ran it down the wire on fire. That wasn't lame at all."
"Thanks," I said. "Look, duck in here under my coat."
The throngs came pouring out in thick waves as I hid the Son of Man under my big coat.
We had two floors to traverse and then make for the exit.
We got some looks. I mean the medium income of most of these folks is around $63,000 a year. I walking around with a scruffy looking Jewish guy in a robe under my coat.
One usher stopped me. "Can I help you?" he asked warily.
"I'm just taking this sweet man to the homeless ministry," I said.
"I wasn't aware that we had one?" he asked suspicious.
"Oh yeah...It's great," I feigned. "Pastor White's wife chairs it," I lied.
"You don't have to do that Mac" he whispered from my armpit. "Things are better in the light of day. Besides. what are they gonna do, kick us out?"
"What if they tie you up again?"
"Oh they will do that again later."
"What a life you have," I said.
"Yeah, but it's all there really is. Life."
____________________________
This is the story that never ends...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 6
We got more furtive looks as we made our way through the crowd. One man stopped us to explain about various ministries, one of which was to help those with homosexual issues deal with them in a healthy fashion.
"I've just come out of the closet" the Son of Man said directly to the man.
He sputtered a bit.
"Yeah," I said, giving him a quick wink, "and I really love this guy."
We moved on.
"That was wicked," I said.
"Not at all," he said.
From there we made our way into the sanctuary because it was almost vacant except for the choir/band-thingy whatever.
They were practicing for the next three services.
We sat down in the thick padded movie theater chairs and were quiet for awhile.
"So, does your love endure forever?" I asked as the band sang.
"Sure does."
"Then why do so many bad things happen to people?"
"Who does those things...I mean generally?" he asked plainly.
"Us."
"You all have so much more freedom than you know."
"Doesn't feel that way," I said sadly.
"That's because you impinge on each other's freedom instead of choosing love."
I sat silent.
"You know you could have left me in that closet, but you chose to come," he said.
"Well, there is less choice when God is speaking to you."
"You would be surprised. Ears to hear, eyes to see."
"Okay, I admit, I did come here to see and hear you today."
"Disappointed?"
"No. No, it's actually kinda fun."
He grinned and so did I.
"Let's go" he said.
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see, trust me."
_______________________
Parking with the J-Man...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 7
We walked out into the sunshine and he divested himself of my protective coat.
He got some stares, but five kids came over immediate-like and started to dance with him.
I just decided to relax.
Then security came and they wanted him to leave.
"I'm with him," he said pointing at me.
"Yes, well, actually I am with him, but we're leaving" I said.
"I can't take you anywhere," I said and we walked to lot 47.
"You want lunch?"
"Yeah sure."
I stopped at the local quicky mart and picked up some cheese, bread and wine.
At the park we stretched out on the salsa blanket.
"Why do you call it that?" he asked.
"You know perfectly well."
He grinned.
"You know stuff about your kids, yet you ask them and like to hear, no?"
"True."
"Let me ask you some questions, okay?"
"Sure as long as they are not ones that have been answered 62,000-hunded million times."
"Why do you let them lock you in the closet all the time."
"I'm being consistent."
"Huh?"
"Freewill."
"That sucks," I said.
"Yeah, well tell me about it. I still reek of Pinesol."
"What is going to happen to us?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well everything else is so fucked up...er, sorry."
"I spend three days in hell and you think the word fuck is going to offend me? Dang. Maugham is right, you are a wuss."
"Well what is gonna happen to Maugham?" I asked. "He thinks you are a myth. He'll never believe this story even though he'll want to."
"Maugham will get what he wants most dear. It may be utter autonomy, it maybe others, it may be me...it's hard to say."
"How can it be hard to say?" I asked. "You know everything right?"
"Yes, I do, but my knowing changes as all things move and breath and change at all times and all places."
"So you are saying it is not static?"
"I am saying that you are not asking the right questions. The only thing static is your laundry because you keep forgetting to buy dryer sheets." he said "you should look into that."
"But you know everything ahead of time, and thus you make it so."
"Amoeba, Abacus, Aborigines and Air Force One Mac."
"My paradigm is too small and limited is what you are saying," I asked.
"Yes, just as I am too small for your liking."
I shook my head down for a moment.
"So do you know and make it happen, or not?"
"Well remember I exist in relationships that are so multi-dimesional and faceted that it's hard to really explain it to a guy who can barely sustain 9 major relationships, 15 mediocre ones, and maybe 30 acquaintances." he said. "No offense, but it's the old "when pigs fly thingy".
"When pigs fly?"
"Yeah...actually that would have been a fun one. We should have done that the same week we did the platypus and the manatee."
"Point is," he said. "The answer is yes-yes and no-no."
"So let your yes be yes and your no be no?"
"That and more," he said. "Actually I said quite a bit more that day on that, but Matthew felt that was enough.
"Is your yes, yes and your no, no?"
"Always," he said. "Anything else is, well bad news."
___________________________________
Bread, wine and God changes God's mind.
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 8
"So you do know and make it happen," I asked.
"No, and yes."
"I'm confused" I sighed, then chugged a few gulps of wine and ripped off some bread.
"Let me give you an example," he said.
"Look at the lovely bread and feel how good the wine is."
"Well originally when I talked about the bread and wine being my blood and body I was being metaphorical. The 'love-feasts' of the early church understood it in a much more organic way. They saw every meal as special and grounded in my very being. So as often as they ate bread and drank wine they did so in a very real communion with me."
"It was a main staple of existence," he continued. "So it was as natural a communion as breathing in and breathing out."
"So what do you do with it now and all the rules and prohibitions and extra stuff attached...and the doing it once a month!?"
"Hold on cowboy," he said. "We changed our mind."
"You what?!"
"WE changed our mind," he said.
"We?..okay..okay..I don't wanna know..." I said hurriedly.
"You can't change your mind," I said finally. "You are omnipotent."
"Right, but not omnipotent enough to change our Mind?"
I could see I was trapped in my own argument.
"How's the cheese?" I asked.
"It's very good," he said. "Can I have some more? And how about another splash of that wine?"
We sat there, well actually laid down and just looked up at the blanket of trees above.
"So you change your Mind?"
"Mac, it's hard to explain to you. I'm sorry. But it's there in the histories."
"The histories?"
"Yeah...we spent a lotta time setting that up. There...that's an example of premeditated planning sometimes thousands of years ahead of time. But within that is always relationship."
"Relationship?"
"Yes, all that 'is' is bound in relationship in more forms than you can imagine, but also held together in me."
"In you?"
"Yes."
"Well then I am hanging with you if you do not mind."
"I do not mind at all. I rather like you. In fact I like you a lot more than you like yourself."
"No comment."
"Suit yourself."
Silence.
"Do you remember the story of when Lot was in Sodom."
"Vaguely," I said. "It was a pretty wild town."
"Well actually no. It was really a dead town...no pun intended."
"None taken," I said, "But God destroyed the town because they were homosexuals right?"
"Do you actually read the histories?" he sighed.
"Yeah, sure."
"Can I have some more of that bread?" he asked.
"Sure...hey how does that work for you when you eat bread and drink wine...kind of a double-triple irony huh?"
He rolled his eyes and slumped back.
"look we can take you back to the cleaning closet anytime you are ready." I said jokingly.
"we'll get back there soon enough."
__________________________
Sodom...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 9
Anthony Falbo____________________
"Okay so what's your point?" I asked.
"Well we changed our Mind." he said
"Huh?"
"We were gonna destroy the city and Abraham comes along and starts arguing," he said.
"Oh yeah..the whole 50, 30 20, 10 righteous dudes thing, right?"
"Yeah," he said. "It was a good argument."
"Like you had not thought of it."
"That's the point," he said. "Abraham came to it on his own and let it fly. We just bought it."
"Yeah but the city was destroyed anyway," I said.
"Only because their wickedness was beyond what Abraham or Lot could have foreseen or understood."
"So it's the gay thing, right?"
"Gay?" he asked. "These were not happy people. Mac, it was not about sex any more than rape is about sex. It is about destroying other people. It was about humiliating them and making them miserable and utterly damaged. It is very close to pure evil."
I was silent.
"The people of Sodom did not want to have homosexual sex. The wanted to rape and humiliate the two visitors to the town and leave them for dead. Trust me, I was there."
"Well this has been fun," I said suddenly. I guess I felt tired and fragged around the edges.
"I want to say one more thing before we get back," he said.
"Yeah, what?"
"It's okay"
"Okay to what?"
"Okay to be angry."
"You can take me back to the church now" he said. "But thanks for being so honest."
_________________
The end..or is it?
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 10
We drove back toward the church in silence for awhile.
"Why are you going back?"
"I like seeking the lost."
"Do the lost usually bind and gag you and throw you in a broom closet?"
"Yeah," he said, "I admit it gets wearying."
"I thought you were supposed to come back in some big display of power..."
"Power isn't what you think it is," he said. "Didn't you ever read any of Paul?"
"Yeah some. Most people cannot stand Paul, except Fundamentalists."
"Yes. They tie me up on the broom closet, but Paul gets the special treatment."
"The special treatment?"
"Yeah. He likens it to being chained to the back of an 18-wheeler and dragged for 390 miles."
"Huh?"
"At the end of them massacreing his writings he says he feels like ankle meat."
"Ewwww..." I said crinkling up my face.
"John ribs him about it all time," he said.
"John, Paul...these guys just hang out now?"
"In a manner of speaking. I'd try and explain it to you but your head would explode."
"Okay, okay...keep it to yerself," I said looking ahead at the road.
"But you can understand power," he said. "There is the power to create and love and there is the power to de-create and hate. One exists forever, the other is a passing shadow no matter how dark and ugly at the moment."
"So
All You Need is Love..." I started singing.
"Yes," he said smiling. "You have a wonderful voice. I love that song."
"A John Lennon song?" I said. "But he didn't believe in heaven and he thought he was more popular than you."
"He
was more popular than me at the time," he said. "And nobody ever locked him in a closet."
"So is Lennon in heaven now?"
"I'm not telling," he laughed. "He likes his privacy."
"Mac, love is the greatest power there is and when you most reflect God. Ghandi understood this when speaking of the shadow side he said
an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blinded. "
"You are quoting Ghandi to me?"
"Why not, he ripped off my material all the time. Truth is truth my young friend, wherever you find it."
"But if it makes you feel better," he paused, "it's all there in Paul and John, not to mention my whole deal. Read the histories."
I could see the huge Megaplex structure looming larger and larger ahead.
"Pop-quiz!" he yelled.
"Pop-quiz...Geez" I said.
"I'm right here." he answered. "Okay...we'll do it like
This Week in God."
"You also watch Jon Stewart," I said flatly.
"I watch everything. I'd say it's easier in the broom closet, but it really makes no difference. But I admit I like some things better than others. I like Jon a lot."
"Okay," I said shaking my head. Then I did my imitation of the intro "noise" thing they do. "Beepo-boweepo-boweepo-boweepo-boweepo..beep...beep...boop."
"In Paul's letter to the Corinthians what are the three things he says outlast everything?"
"Easy," I say. "Faith, hope and love."
"Bingo!"
As I turned the corner into the parking lot, I repeated the Boweepo-thingy.
"What were and are the two biggest enemies to said faith, hope and love?"
"uh...er, well...oh I know," I said. "Legalism."
"You can thank Dr. Wallmark for that," he said.
"Hey you quoted Ghandi on
an eye for an eye," I said slyly. "What's up with that?"
"Truth is a deep well. But well done. And the other?"
"I have no idea," I said.
"Actually that is the answer in a roundabout way," he said grinning. "Having to have all the right answers, all the right knowledge, is just another way of breaking off with God and not being in relationship in love and grace."
I parked the car.
"What's gonna happen?"
"Oh let's just wait and see together." he said calmly.
_______________________
Last Chapter of Christ...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 11
We got out of the car and started for the door. I felt strange the farther he walked ahead of me. It wasn't until later that I would see things very differently. But I am laboring here to be as true to the moments as possible.
The doors were locked and it looked like everyone was gone. My guess was it was about 3 p.m.
We walked around the side. Then I asked "Hey, want me to pray again?"
"Naw, it won't be necessary," he said.
"What about the admonition to
pray without ceasing? Huh? Huh?" I chided.
"You pray like that a lot more than you realize," he said. "Remember last week when you had insomnia?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Well how did you deal with it?"
I blushed.
"No not that," he said. "Finally...before you went to sleep?"
"yeah, okay...it was a kind of conversation," I said.
"albeit one-sided," he said as he shielded his eyes and pressed his face up to the mirrored glass door.
"Soooo..." he said peering in, "I would estimate you pray about 6 hours a day."
"I certainly do not!" I said. "Maybe 5 minutes tops."
"Nope," he said. "Just think about it next week."
Just then another side door popped open and Pastor White stepped out into the sunlight. He fumbled with his brief case for a moment then saw us and grinned a toothy smile.
"Hey there!" he yelled. "How y'all doing?"
Then he dropped the briefcase when I pulled back and he saw him behind me.
He looked flushed, then he looked off as if gathering up a controlled storm.
Finally he walked over much more calmly and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Thank you for bringing him back. We were worried."
"Seems capable of taking care of himself," I said, and he removed the hand.
Then the pastor spoke directly to him.
"You know you cannot keep doing this during services," he said sadly yet sternly. "We have a place for you here. You know that. There will always be a place for you here at Estuary. Come, both of you, I have something to show you that we have been working on."
He pulled out his keys which consisted of enough metal that if melted down could craft a small statue.
Once inside he took us to the new wing under construction. It was maybe three-quarters finished and probably the whole of it was another 30,000 square feet of space.
"You'll be happy to know that we are opening up a whole new ministry here in this wing," he said with no small amount of pride.
"I ministry to the poor, the homeless, the despairing and spiritually hungry right?" the Son of Man asked.
"WELLL...haha..there you go again..ya-ha!" he said wagging his head back and forth. "Yeah son...Heh! No, no...we got bigger fish to fry," he said. "We 're moving the
Christos Institute in here which deals directly with lobbying congress on all significant moral issues to make sure they are carried out by all people everywhere to the letter."
"Is that all they do?" he asked.
"Nosir," he said gleefully. "They also have a side project called
The Gleanings, which with the use of advanced computer technology is able to sift through significant biblical passages and isolate those with superior practical importance for enhanced living."
"Is that the logo?" I asked pointing to a large placard with a whale on it which had "GLEANINGS" written underneath its hulking mass.
"Yes," he said proudly. "It's a symbol. The whale is able to take in huge expanses of water, yet strain the tiny plankton as it sees fit."
With that the robed one turned to me and said, "Pop-quiz question two?"
"Yeah, I get it," I said. "But he forgot about the blow-hole."
We both laughed hard.
"I saw that coming, but limited my knowledge just before the moment," he said stooping over laughing, "Cuz I wanted to get it fresh."
I was laughing hard too, like some great release of pressure.
"Well you fellas are having a good time," the pastor said looking sullen. "Let me show you what I have to show you and we can finish up."
I wiped a tear from my eye and cleared my throat and chuckled one more time.
As we followed Pastor White down the hall I put my hand over his robed shoulder. Suddenly I was worried that I would never see him again.
"Don't worry," came the voice in my head. And he looked up and winked at me quickly.
I felt better.
We came to the far end of the hall and saw, in the corner, two small rooms. The one on the left was obviously a broom closet.
"NO!" I said.
"Mac, this is out of your control," he said. "Let Go." he said aloud to me.
"and let God?" I prayed to him.
"Very funny," he replied in my head.
"You don't need to worry sir," the pastor said to me, which I did not like because the way he said "sir" was obviously dismissive. I was definitely now the "enemy".
"I have a confession" he said. "It was wrong to put you in the closet," he said to him.
"So we have built this new room just for you," he said. "In fact, you have your own broom closet next two it and our janitors will take care of everything you need. They are on 24/7."
"What about the ropes and gags!?" I asked in a loud voice.
"Hey son! Don't go poking where you are not wanted," he bristled.
"Well what kinda joint you running here where you hog-tie the very one you are supposed to adore and follow?" I asked.
"You don't understand," he said sadly. "We got a Board that is very demanding, and well, frankly this one here (pointing to the Son of Man) has just lost touch. He's always over-turning the cart and we can never get anything done."
There was silence as each of us considered what was coming next.
"No gags and no ropes," the pastor finally said. "Come let me show you."
We walked into the small corner room. I noticed immediately the lack of an ambient noise, then I saw the thick acoustic panels already inset on all sides and the ceiling. The floor was raised and strange.
"What's with the floor?" I asked.
"It's actually cut away from the entire building" he said proudly. "We learned that trick when we built our first recording studio. This room actually, in a sense
floats. It eliminates all noise and vibration entirely. This whole room is utterly soundproof so he can be at peace."
"We also are installing an advanced security system to protect him from the outside world," he continued. "No one can get in without our knowing."
With that the Son of Man took off his sandals and went and sat against the far wall.
"Well gents," the pastor said, "we have two services to run tonight, so I need to prepare." Then he paused, lifted one eyebrow up as he looked at him and said "You will agree to stay here for now until we finish, right?"
"Thy will be done," he replied.
"And you sir," he said. "I expect you out of here in 5 minutes, understood?"
"Yes," I said tersely, "Sir."
Then he turned and left. I heard him start to whistle about ten paces down the hall. I think it was a rendition of
Jesus Loves Me This I Know...
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Epilogos...
Jesus Outed in Megachurch, Film at 11, Part 12
Give me five minutes more, only five minutes more
Let me stay, let me stay in your arms
Here am I, begging for only five minutes more
Only five minutes more of your charms
All week long I dreamed about our Saturday date
Don't you know that Sunday morning you can sleep late
~Frank Sinatra
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I had five minutes more with him, then I was certain security would come by and boot my ass out.
"I feel like I have so much I wanna ask you," I said.
"Well you always can," he said.
"Yeah, but it's not like this, not like today and you know that."
"Yeah. I do. I agree."
"Why is that?" I asked looking at him.
"Remember Pop-Quiz answer number one?"
"Yeah?"
"Extrapolate from there," he said.
"I can't," I said frustrated.
"Uh, you can. And you will, next Thursday at 2 a.m. You will get the whole deal," he said.
"There is no winning with you," I said.
"Actually you can't lose with me." he said. "What else do you want to know?"
"At death do we sleep or are with immediately with you?"
"Light," he said.
"Light?"
"It's way thin, but in your terms, speed of light," he said. "It also answers your next question. But you know more than enough theology don't you? I mean, you don't wanna end up in the belly of a whale do you?"
Of course I was gonna ask about determinism and freewill next. I guess the answer to a lot of questions may be as simple as "light". Maybe the other answer is "love". Certainly I now understood that the universe is deeply relational...and this one is at the core...somehow.
I shifted on my rump. The air was chalky.
"What will you do now?" I asked.
"I'll wait," he said. "thanks for fetching me today though. I enjoyed it."
"What will happen to them if they keep treating you this way?" I asked.
"I see it, and it is not good," he said. "But it could change. Life is seething with changes that we enjoy as much as it seems to make them uncomfortable. I want to encourage you to have compassion."
"For them?" I asked shaking my head.
"Especially for them," he said looking me directly in the eyes.
"But they are Pharisees?" I said.
"Hey some of the Pharisees were very cool," he said. "the ones that weren't were damaged goods. Do you you remember what I said about the Pharisee who was next to the sinner?"
"Yeah...the sinner beat his breast and cried out while the Pharisee says 'Thank you God
I am not like this man, a sinner.'"
"Very good," he said. And I felt kinda proud...I mean two out of three, maybe 2 and a half.
"But you thank God you are not like the Pharisee, don't you?" he asked. " That you are
not like this man?"
I got up and walked into the half done broom closet and started to cry.
"You have to go now Christopher," came the voice in my head.
"I don't WANT TO GO!!" I sobbed.
"You found what you came for...even at a Megachurch," he said aloud.
I wiped my face off with my arm and coughed roughly.
"So what will you do next Sunday morning?" I asked, "Tag another accompliss?"
"Maybe, or I might sleep in," he said. "Most of the real stuff happens from Monday through Saturday night."
I heard footsteps in the distance. It was time to go.
"What should I tell people about today?" I asked.
"Tell them what you like," he said calmly. "Just make sure they understand the huge gap between a piece of
'what if' fiction and the non-fiction reality that exists all around them right now, today."
I promised I would, and I have.
As I left and walked past the stoic guard I shot one last mindful question back, hoping for one last answer.
"In my lifetime will I ever see you front and center, loved and adored and utterly seen?"
"That depends on you, and the others," he said. "Until then, I am all ears."
Morford on MegaChurch Madness
Mark Morford is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and really the only regular guy I read there. I guess I read him for a number of reasons, but mostly because he reminds me of the Good Doctor (Hunter Thompson for the uninitated) and he's damned funny. But there is another reason as well...despite his unrepressed outbursts and colorful tirades, he is really very fair-minded and a fine journalist.
I have written Morford often to thank him for not lumping all Christians together as if we are all a bunch of Right-Wing fanatical blood-thirsty, greedy power mongers who feast on fear and judgment. Even in this morning's article, Mark is careful to note some of the good that some churches do.
But this morning's article was on "
Who Loves Creepy Megachurches?", which from the gitgo I knew was gonna be Mr. Morford's Wild Ride.
I was not disappointed, or at least not overall.
As I read the article I followed the various leads, some of which lead me elsewhere.
Doing some background on Greg Laurie (who I have met) I ran across "The Christian Post", an online Christian publication.
As I hit the main page a video started that at first I thought was a joke.
No joke. Or, perhaps its on us.
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SkyAngel TV...next.
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 2
Regular readers know how I love to "alter" images from time to time. I am not nearly as good at it as say, Lindesy is, but I can get by. (Later installments will feature James Dobson in drag and Jesus bound and gagged, so stay tuned).
The above is not doctored at all, except I took three screenshots off the "SkyAngel" video advertisement and combined them.
Kinda speaks, er....shows, er....hmnnn. Listen, you get the point.
(And this is a total sidebar to Morford's article...but you really cannot pass up stuff like this).
The evils of television can now be avoided by getting a Skyangel satellite dish for truly Christian content, like...
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Sit down for this one...
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 3
Yes, you guessed right sportsfans...in a hear no evil, speak no evil and see no evil world your children can now mainline FOX NEWS.
Lord knows that is safer and more healthy than Spongebob, right?
Also, how did this woman get three kids who are all the same age but look different. Maybe triplets after sitting to close to the Christian Dish?
Anyway, back to Mr. Morford and Megachurches.
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Part four on the way...and yes, this is going somewhere your honor...
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 4
Morford admits he has never stepped into a Megachurch, but he did do his outside research, and 90 percent of it is amazingly accurate for a guy on the outside looking in.
I've been on the inside looking out, at the sidedoor ready to bolt, and on the outside. All three.
I know four Megachurch pastors, two of whom will, despite my degenrate state, still take my calls. Then behind them I know another four or five whose churches are headed in that direction.
On the list above I only know Chuck Smith (who is No.3). In fact my never-used ordination is under the Calvary Chapel banner. But that's another story.
I have also met Greg Laurie, who is named in Morford's article. Frankly, he reminded me of Hulk Hogan, only without the sense of humor. He didn't make this list because the Institute of Megachurches estimates he has only 15,000 in attendance and Rick Warren's Saddleback Church has 15,030.
Greg needs another 31 members to get on the list. Must really stoke him in the staff meetings.
Laurie (imagine Hulk Hogan voice) : C'mon people!! Warren's got 30 more members than we have!!!
Associate Pastor Number 37: But Pastor Greg our numbers are up 20 percent from last year!
Laurie: What?! What is your name again?!
AP37: Bill sir. I'm your nephew, remember?
Laurie: Oh yeah...Bill...Bill...Well BILL (at this point he grabs bill and hoists him over his head, twirls him around and body slams him on the conference table...BLAMMO!). Call your dad and have him come getcha because we got work to do.
(AP 23 and AP41 scrape him off the table)
Laurie: Look people!! We need 30...no 40..yeah... 40 new bodies in a hurry.
But of course it is futile. Laurie will never catch up because Warren is the architect of the "40 Days of Purpose" shtick, and that purpose every 40 days is a lot clearer to him than Jesus' 40 days in the desert were to him.
Makes you wonder what they have on common?
By the time Greg clocks in 16,000 sheep, Warren will be at 16,580. He'll never catch up.
AP37, AP52 and AP14 are all in traction.
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But who is at the top? stay tunes...same Mac time, same Mac channel...
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 5
Morford rightly zeros in on this guy: Joel Osteen. He's the New York Yankees of the Megachurch League Business. Go
here for Morford's quick take..pretty funny. And yes, they are truly creepy.
Morford nails it saying,
megachurches are the latest phenomenon, the hottest trend in the Christian godfearin' biz, arena-scaled piety polished up and bloated out and aimed like a giant homophobic cannon straight at the gloomy face of a new and improved God, one who apparently truly loves the fact that these tacky sanitized enormo-domes are raking in an average of $5 million a year each, depending on size and girth and magnetism of their glossy preprogrammed pastors and depending on how many CDs and syrupy self-help books and movie production companies and proselytizing Web sites and recording studios and hateful radio brainwashin' programs and malicious teenage abstinence seminars they have to go along with the nearly naked virgin car-wash fund-raisers they offer up to Jesus on warm summer Sundays.
Couldn't have said it better myself...but I guess that is why they pay him and I do this for free.
Think of beauty really, if it were not so sadly true.
But Morford himself admits the following.
I have never been to World Changers in Georgia or New Birth Missionary Baptist in Texas or Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa or the Potter's House in Dallas or the Phoenix First Assembly of God, et al., all of which claim well over 15,000 regional followers (some 20,000 or even 30,000) and most of which operate much more like careening multitentacled corporations than humble homes of spiritual connection and love. But, you know, quibbling.
Well, this is where we hit our first problem. Mark has never been and later in the article often tries to paint megachurches as bastions of white-religion. He should have done his research and this will be a rare occasion where I will take him to task.
Because just Behind Osteen's stadium church is one run by a man whose last name is "Dollar".
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Next...the Buck stops in Georgia...
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 6
Above meet the new Number Two: Dr. Creflo Dollar and his wife Taffi Dollar.
The Dollars have certainly racked up for these two who run a close second behind Osteen and his plasticine wife. But they run just as slick an operation.
Dr. Dollar is an accomplished black preacher and kinda throws a stick into Morford's spokes. Maybe Megachurches are not just about politics or race?
To be fair, Morford as much as suggests something close to this at the end of his article, but I want to go a little deeper.
But before I do let me air out my two complaints for Mark.
1. It's not primarily a race thing. The fact that the Megachurch most closely vying for the top is primarily a black church (and that minorities are well represented in Osteen's church) is enough to dispel that.
2. Morford keeps citing Jesus as if these Megachurches gave ear to anything he actually said or did, or will in the near future. Nonsense. Jesus has been utterly co-opted and commemorated, but his words and actions are perhaps the single largest antidote to whatever disease feeds the Megachurches: greed, power, pride and fear.
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Dobson in drag and a brief Bible lesson...
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 7
Okay..he is not in drag exactly...I just morphed his head onto a young bride.
But here is your Bible lesson. Morford rightly notes the mysogynist tendencies of modern Christendom and how they are supported by the current situation. Whereas Jesus came as a liberator for all, and created unprecedented opportunity for women (and it was the women who supported his ministry pretty much), these goons would roll us back to the days of Eisenhower and the perfect little Stepford world. They'd have us go and sit passively in a church so large that we are utterly anonymous, then go home and plug into the Christian chennels and Fox News.
Just perfect. But I digress...
In biblical literature, the "Church" is feminine. The "Bride of Christ" is joined to him who is the living and sacrifical Husband.
That basically means that whenever guys like Dobson or Haggard "go to be with Jesus" they go as a bride!
Yeah...get ready to dress in white boys...Let's see how it goes for you when you are the Bride, cuz God loves to turn the tables.
All that to say, do not assume that because these Yahoos say they speak for God that they actually have a clue. They might, in fact, be "anti-Christos"...their words and actions may all be "bad news" when all God has for us is good.
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The future...
Morford on MegaChurch Madness Part 8
Returning at last to Mr. Morford, here is what he sees potentially in the future:
Maybe megachurches are, in short, an anxious and massively quivering reaction to a hot divine upsurge, one they can't quite comprehend and which makes their eyeballs shudder and their loins burn; their existence is irrefutable proof that something divinely radical is afoot, a massive sea change, a karmic mutiny, with the churches acting merely as a sleek and desperate defense. You think?
In other words, maybe these delirious throngs of blind believers are merely a trembling shield masquerading as a sleek salvation, vainly attempting to protect themselves from the onslaught of, oh I don't know, divine self-definition? An orgasm of radical sticky nontheistic cosmic beauty? A goddess with a bright red tongue and a wry knowing grin and an appetite for destruction? Let us pray.
I'd like to take on some of these notions.
As for the rise of Megachurches as being some cosmic kind of "last defense" I have a much simpler and sociological explanation. They simply are icongraphic of our culture. Should it surprise anyone that a culture marked by Malls and Wal-Marts should grow churches that look the same?
Our entertainment venues are basically live events and televison/film. And we wants "stars". So, does it surpise you that these mega-ministries focus on personalities like Osteen and Dollar, then have extensive television coverage and charismatic live performances?
It has often been so. When Imperialism was the dominant philosophy in Europe, the Church reflected a similar Imperialism, and after that Colonialism and then Capitalism.
Now we seem to be moving toward a form of social Darwinism which the current power-brokers and politians thoroughly embrace despite it's disharmony with their own beliefs.
So should it surprise anyone that real books on theology, spirituality, mysticism and exegesis have been lost in favor of a myriad of self-help books, Jesus baubles, bad Christian music, posters, etc... at the local Christian bookstore?
What Morford fails to see (and again, it is hard to see from the outside and having never visited or tasted it yourself) is that the rise of Megachurches is symptomatic of a final decline of this brand of "Christendom". For every one Megachurch that rises up, there are 50 mainline churches that are dying or dwindling. In fact, in many cases, those who go are simply direct transplants from those churches who wanted more "amenities".
Worse of all though is in the rush to expand, grow in numbers and in media saavy the core "Good News" has largely been replaced with motivational speeches and self-help seminars. Jesus has long since been lost except to be dragged out for commemorative praise or as part of the "formula for salvation". I am sure he is not flattered.
In Morford's article, he points to a shocking and truly frightening article about the Christian Dominionists in
Harpers. So it's funny that Morford would miss this sentence by author Chris Hedges (and yes, it supports my point):
Rarely mentioned these days is the Jesus of the four Gospels, the Jesus who speaks of the poor and the marginalized, who taught followers to turn the other cheek and love their enemies, the Jesus who rejected the mantle of secular power.
Megachurches are not about Jesus at all. He is perhaps the single largest threat to their Consumer Christianity. Jesus is the biggest threat to miltarism (Ghandi himself attributed the reading of the gospels to his own views on non-violence). Even Nietzsche saw clearly that Christ present a complete "transvaluation" to the culture, or as my old friend Darrell Johnson says, "the way up is down".
So this is why Jesus has been co-opted,
bound and gagged and put away in the closet. Only his cross remains as a commemorative reminder.
If the 20,000 members of one of these Megachurches were to take a month off and just read the gospels, few of them would go back to "the six ways to grow your kids God's way" and the financial seminars and bake sales for new choir robes.
Open Call for SPOKE Contributing Writers
Spoke is an online journal I wanted to start years ago. The rise of blogging makes it much easier and there is no way I can do this alone.
I am looking for a group of 8 writers, preferably four women and four men, but we'll see how it shakes out. Love to see some real diversity.
At the core, or hub of Spoke we understand this old saying "I have been to the Center and it is not Us".
As such Spoke is an open exploration for those of us to see the Universe as essentially Christocentric.
In brief posts I will begin to unravel what where we might go and what our focus might be. I will also outline where we do not wish to go or allow to be a distraction (like political rhetoric, banging on others or theological infighting).
This is an open, intelligent, thoughtful and non-partisan exploration of the Logos.
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More in a bit...
