Obstinance
Sadie in Larkspur.My dog is obstinant. If I ask her to come, she walks away. If I tell her to go outside, she comes and sits next to me. The only thing she hears is "treats". Then she sits. Otherwise? Forget it.
It's selective hearing and a "what's in it for me attitude?"
It would be merely funny if we could also take her off her leash, but we can't. She would dart into traffic and that would be that. Obstinance is a dangerous thing.
Why is she so?
Well we have scant information. We heard that she had been chained up in a backyard for long periods of time. That would explain why she never strays far from "the Beautiful One" and is slightly distrustful of me (a man) even though I have treated her royally.
Whatever doggie-grid she is seeing through from her past is being wore away. When she first came here she was at high alert all the time...near paranoid. Later she started to take naps in the sun on the deck. Now she is like a puddle on the floor most of the day.
I suppose we both take that as a compliment as she feels safe and secure here.
Friendship and Home
Hart Drive house where I lived from age 3-7 in San Diego.I was in San Diego on business and Scott Mitchell and I decided to head to Kensington to see the old neighborhood.
While I was in San Diego I got to spend some good time with the Mitchells, all four of them. Kate and Parker view me like a giant walking amusement park. They want stories, and every funny voice I can do. At bedtime we chose a Bible story book that was all set to rhyme and I went Ghetto and started to rap it out (cracker rap) while Mitch did the backbeat. Of course, the kids went nuts...I even had to work that into the rap:
"Now big old Goliath
had been well fed
But Parker better get his
cracker hiney in the bed!"
Laura got back from her Bible study and came up and joined us. Everyone was laughing an silly. Scott tried to do one himself, but he went to Princeton, so it came out a bit stuffy.
Later I sat outside on the back porch. Laura's artistry with their house, their deep respect for each other after 12 years and their two delightful kids who only see me every few years but always come over and hug me.
I am not an envious man. In fact, one of the few biblical admonitions I seem to have nailed is "rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep". I am actually rather good at both. So seeing the Mitchells so happy, together and in tight relationship made me genuinely very happy and content.
It has not been my lot in life, probably for many reasons, some external, some internal. Yet I always have my children and they have me, even if they are being witheld. The same is true for friendship. Scott and I have been close friends for 32 years; Kim and I for 31; Roe 27; Tony 26; Big Mike 19; Spritz 18. And that's just the short list. There are many many more., some of whom are reading this weekly. I thank you all for your words of encouragement and also for your taking the time and care to sometimes question me and my own process on this. That is what good friends do.
Many of my friends have been witness over the years to L's aggression and they are, frankly, upset right now that a good father is being denied regular visitation with his kids. Some of them even feel sympathy for L because they know well how childish she can be and that is not my issue.
To my knowledge L has only one friend really (LIBF doesn't count until they get married because L can turn in a day) and that friendship only about 6 years old. I have been her friend for a couple of decades, but it is not reciprocal. And I even attempted to be LIBF's friend. I went and helped him move his things from one storage unit to another; I brought the kids out to cheer him on in an early morning race here in town, and I went and brought dinner when they moved into their new place. Beyond that, I tried to even invite him to get to know my family by asking him to officiate at my brother's memorial service a year ago. Of course, he was doing something for me there as well, for which I was, and am grateful. But once again, it is a one-way street. His response is official...it does not matter what I say, but what I do. But then what I do does not matter either (convenient huh?) because I care for my kids actively. I came and helped him move his stuff for many hours...blah blah blah.
Would LIBF come help me move stuff? Would he come and cheer me on with the kids? Would he bring me dinner when I move?
Now having read that last long paragraph, how do you think I feel?
To this LIBF would probably say (he is not speaking anymore) that I am blaming others. No, I blame only myself for once again being naive. But that does not keep me from telling the truth about what has happened or is happening. Better to do it now because it all comes out sooner or later. And while I may be naive, I do not think love is ever a bad decision so long as it is given freely.
Do I regret helping LIBF move his stuff? No. I didn't do it to get anything. Do I regret counseling and encouraging L in times of depression about her parenting? No. I didn't do it to get anything.
Love is very different than the carrot and the stick. I think a great many people, particularly religious ones, live by the carrot and the stick rather than grace and agape (gift love). They avoid the loving and gracious Lordship of Christ in favor of the carrot and the stick with each other. And they torture each other with it until all the love is bled out over time because it is all about the scenario they want and not the scenario they can give in.
The scenario I can give in with my kids is one which is unhindered and open; not rigid and prescribed and based in a deep disrespect for fathering. I will not allow my kids to see me so disrespected, not because I am proud (I am not and no one who knows me things I am) but because it hurts them.
Laura asked me about that the other night as we talked and Scott played tunes on his Guild. She was asking good mother questions and seeing from the eyes of my children. I am glad to have her as a friend. I had empathy, but I am a father and I have mostly father answers. It was a good mix...a more full picture.
More tomorrow. Rod is preaching on Mark 5 and I am looking forward to it.
I Miss Daughter...
...and she misses me.
They Say It's Your Birthday
Adam turns 14 today.
I am very proud of him.
The excuse the L uses to withold my kids from me is that Camille gets scared at night. Yet she admits the same happens there. She also freely admitted that she has allowed Camille to develop an over-dependence on her. Some of that has come from witholding her from regular visits in the past. She assumes that by farming her out to others this will lessen. The real cause is not having the security of two parents and way too much change for a little girl over the last five years (since she was 3).
Still she at least has some excuses with Camille. She has none with Adam who is now 14. In fact, he is at the age where he can legally make decisions on parental rights. I an reticent to bring this up with him as, once again, I do not want him in the middle of this mess that L has created. I'd rather wait it out patiently for now.
In a recent letter L implied that there were "documented problems". I asked in a reply letter to name just one.
I got no reply.
Of course all people make mistakes, especially parents. L has made some significant ones, but nothing intentional and neither have I.
I received several letters of support this week from people who have actually seen me with my kids. I am grateful. Thank you all.
As I have written, my own family situation was less than steller, but at least my father could have me come and stay overnight if he wanted. And sometimes he went a good deal beyond the norm...like sitting through a doubleheader at Candlestick Park when he really didn't like baseball. I was about Adam's age at that time and it meant a lot to me. But you see, he had the option and it was good because my mother is a little crazy and my dad isn't the least bit crazy. So I had another outlet, albeit not as often as I would have liked.
When I was sixteen I met my first mentor. He was a high school teacher and he became like a second father to me which was pretty crucial.
SK did not ever try to keep me from my parents...he just filled in while they did their own thing. But as much as I loved him, and as cool as it was to have a teacher to run with, study with, listen to music with and play hours of ping-pong..I would have preferred it had it been my dad.
In all fairness, SK had just gone through a heartbreaking divorce and he needed a project: me. It worked for both of us because I needed what Robert Bly calls a "male mother", a mentor.
Now R is shooting his own feet off because my son will grow up knowing he was an accompliss in keeping him from coming and spending time with a full-on father. You cannot be the mentor and do that. And I will not lie to my son, about anything. I never have and I never will. It's just a matter of when.
So R is disqualifying himself as a mentor every day my son cannot come and be with me because it is morally wrong. I have more compassion for L because I know she lives by fear and is fueled by a quiet rage. Always has been, probably always will.
But R is new to the situation and should be able to be more objective.
*******
Lest you think me self-righteous, this morning at church Rod Miles preached on Luke 7 where the contrast is between the Pharisee who invites Jesus to dinner and the Prostitute who lets down her hair, breaks open the alabaster vial of expensive perfume and annoints Jesus' feet with her tears.
In the story, I most definitely identify with the prostitute in her brokeness and also her reliance on the love of Christ. Simon the pharisee is probably a very righteous man, but he does not understand love and he simply wants to evaluate Jesus, not engage in a scandalous love and devotion like the prostitute.
"He who is forgiven much, loves much".
This has become a constant test in forgiveness. I have left several messages for my kids (both of them) and none have been returned that I am aware of.
So here is the scorecard: I cannot have my kids here (despite no incident); I could have a short visit with a court appointed stranger that would send a deadly message to my kids; and I cannot even get them on the phone.
Personally I think it is because they are both pissed that I am writing about this publically and openly. They also do not understand my resolve.
And here is my proof:
1) I have been accused of libel, yet with no example or any action taken.
2) I have been told my words "mean nothing" yet they are being added to a file
and I get several emails in one week that are on the attack.
3) All relevant information about my kids is also being witheld
4) My phone calls to my kids are not being returned
5) I am accused of "documented incidents" but not a single example has been produced or any document.
6) Camille is being witheld based on a non-incident for which I have a witness
7) Adam is being witheld for no reason at all and he wants to come.
8) As unfair as it is they have an established "supervisor" here who has volunteered and is someone the kids trust and feel comfortible with.
Tomorrow we dissect the latest attack letter from L including my responses.
*******
Adam is one of the four greatest gifts God has ever given me. Each of my children stand out in their own unique way. L once said that I gave the kids "there sweeteness". It was a rare moment of weakness and disclosure, but she is right. She laso, about the same time wrote me (I still have the card) about my attempts to get through the "rock-hardness" of her heart.
Guess I am not done yet.
Adam's Birthday, part 1
World Series 2002.
In 2002 Adam turned ten on, well October 22nd. There was a little thing called the "World Series" going on them between the Giants and the Angels. So we hopped in the Mustang and beat it down to (then) Pac-Bell Park.
You do not want to know what the scalper's tickets cost. Let's just say it would be a couple of major car payments.
But you only turn ten once, and if your team is in the Wolrd Series it just seems right.
Well they lost. Grr. But I did get a fantastic picture of a Barry Bonds launch and we had big dogs with all the fixens and got a great Giants blanket and ha da bodacious time.
*******
Adam as long as I have known him (tomorrow will be 14 years), is one of the easiest and most fun people on the planet. Ever optimistic, open, fun-loving, relational, energetic and smart. He's affectionate, respectful and playful.
Now it is a supreme compliment that Reese gives me when he does something and she looks at me and says "Tree...Apple...sigh..." because Adam and I are a lot alike. Of my three sons ("music comes in here") he is the only one who may be taller than myself...which will be kinda freaky for me as no one is taller than me in our whole family. I imagine it probably freaked my own dad out quite a bit when I shot up not 2 or 3, but 7 inches taller than him.
That's freaky.
If ever Adam does come over and he is 2 inches taller and I am looking up at him I will have to remember his wide and expansive heart. We share a great deal of active love to each other and express it often. I truly respect him, and I like him (as a father you are only required to love and ask for respect). I respect his straight-up way. More tomorrow.
Mr. Nanosecond
Nanosecond device.
When LIBF was attempting to intimidate me he also made sure to tell me, again, that he would not give a "nonosecond" of thought to anything I had to say.
Then he wrote me two emails.I friend called me yesterday and told me about seeing
Thank You For Smoking. He said one line in particular would amuse me, when the guys says "Hey, I'm the father, you are just ----ing my Ex-wife."
Well I do not find it all that amusing, but I see his point. It's potentially amusing at best and simply true at the very least.
Anyway, finally (after not giving a nanosecond's concern for my view, but two emails later) Mr. Nanosecond has fallen silent and my Ex has taken up the call.
Her particular modus operendi is shaming and implied blaming. She never answers when asked for a tangible example because she does not have one.
She wrote me a long email, which I answered point by point. If I get a response it is because I forgot something or made a mistake. If not, it means she cannot reply because I am right.
I do not expect a reply.
I will be quoting others in the next few days who have actually seen me with my kids and therefore can form a tangible opinion. L and LIBF cannot because we spend no time with them.
The one irrefutible point in all of this is that children need the nurture of their father. That is being witheld. Every week it goes on it hurts them. Their deflections aside it is not debateable.
(R....add this to your file please, and go see
Thank You for Smoking.)
"Basic Needs"
Maslow's basic hierarchy of needs.
L sent me a terse email with the usual set of accusations. But the consistent one was that I did not meet the Children's "basic needs".
Here is a quote or two:
Hoping and hoping that you would be able to tend to basic needs.
You are good at the fun outings, the special trips and projects, but you are unable
to make sure basic needs (including the need for safety and security) are
taken care of.
And she uses similar phrases a number of other times. "Basic needs" is the theme here. Then she even attacks Reese on the same point:
Reese has been taking a minimal role the past year, coming to events when asked,
but not tending to basic needs of the children.
So you can see that "basic needs" is the real issue for L.
So let's have a look at that...a good hard look.
Given Maslow's hierarchy of needs we start with the most basic of needs...food and drink.
I figure french toast sticks, bacon, eggs, and several types of cereal on hand is a good start. I wish that every child had such waking up in the morning. Later fresh salad, sandwiches, dinner of pizza or pasta or BBQ meat and roasted potatoes. For drinks (thirst) maximum of two soft drinks a day, but always juice and water (bottled) on hand.
I figure we have that one covered.
Moving right along we have the need of security and protection.
I watch my children like a mother hawk. The are never out of my sight in public (never). In fact I am always calculating any possible scenario that could bring harm to them. I see every car, every possible scenario and they are able to bound about freely never knowing that I am ready to take immediate action if they are in any danger.
That's in public. At home they have their own room, bunk beds. Fresh linens on their beds, and we have a watch dog that adores Camille especially. They have free reign around the flat, but the door is locked and they have to stay inside after dark. Even during daylight I prefer Camille go out with either myself, Adam or the dog. She has never been locked out (as she has it her mother's house).
We have never had an incident or security breach of any kind.
When it comes to social needs, a sense of belonging and love it is a very warm household. All ideas and requests are considered even if not implemented. One of our favorite things is board games (usually with the ballgame on in the background). They are generally long games and we talk and joke and really get into it. It's loose-leaf like the Scrabble games at Pinecrest that Grandma Dee always wins.
There are always lots of hugs and if there is a problem it is talked about openly and without fear.
On social needs we could do better here...make new friends and establish those. But that is hard to do with the absence of your actual children.
Self-esteem issues are pretty high on my list. I did not have it, I had no idea how beautiful and smart I was until I was only smart. That's a shame. But all of my children are beautiful and smart and I make sure to mirror that back to each one of them and let them know I believe in their giftedness. They know their father believes in them.
On the last, all you can do is encourage self-actualization. Heck, I am still working on that myself...but having parents behind you encouraging that is a must. I would never suggest that L does not do this. It's just that she fails to see the myriad of ways I do the very same. Why?
To that end I can only encourage. Camille's is drawn to art and is gifted. She has multiple art sets, an easel here and we paint side by side and advise each other as we go along. Adam and I like to play as teamates online with video games and he is a cunning warrior and every bit my equal even though I have been playing a lot longer.
The point of self-actualization is that it comes from within. It's God given. So many parents decide what their kids should do, but I believe it comes from within.
I have recently talked a bit with a mentor of mine. When I was in my teens he was like a father to me. He recognized in this shy gawky kid real talent and he was really the first adult to listen to me and mirror back that what I thought and said and did mattered. I have tried to do the same with each of my kids and if you meet them you will see it in them.
I am NOT solely responsible for this (let's be clear on that) but you never get there without father-love.
I am not interested in just meeting my children's "basic needs" and I never have been. Those needs have never been in question. What I have shot for are the needs that are at the top of that pyrimid. L thinks those superfluous. I don't and I never have or will.
Bags Of Fun
Cammie with Bag O' Fun number 1
When we go picnicking, which is pretty much any weekend they are here, we also take the Bag's O' Fun. There use to be only one (the one in the background) and it has in it a wooden and steel Bingo set, Uno cards, and the Authors game. We got the second (larger and longer) bag for swim masks, towels, squirt guns, the football, kites and a backup of kite string because we seem to lose them. We sometimes even bring a battery-powered bubble machine, which is a lot of fun.
We have quite a few rituals while picnicking. One is often the eating of "The Sandwich" (we try to make the biggest one we can). Adam and I run pass patterns, we once again spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to put the kit together (There is a backup the BOF #2). Hereis a short video:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=630737686
Well needless to say the BOFs have lay dormant now for well over a month. LIBF continues to try and use a combination of guilt and subtle intimidation (he recently implied I was libeling him, which I have not. He simply dislikes and is uncomfortable with my telling the truth).
Because seeing my children unhindered and regularly is non-negotiable, this is not fun. But I have peace about it. Sure I get frustrated at times because of the injustice. (Wouldn't you?) but I also am banking on all those regular times we have spent whole days together at Pt. Reyes, Bolinas, Baker Beach, Crissy Field and China Camp Beach to get us through.
Having children is an investment of time, nurture and love and it forms inside of them that way. My daughter may not understand right now why I don't come for an allotted hour. All real protest involves pain and is not appeased by expediency. Expediency is always offered for it is the basis of control and manipulation. The end result is a disaster for all involved. But she has all those warm memories and all that time and those words of care inside of her already.
I remember one great day when Adam was maybe 2, and I took Sean and Thomas and him to the beach (Baker). As was often the case I had to do so alone as L was not interested in coming. I was in Alameda with my folks and my Dad said "You're gonna take these three to the beach to BBQ alone? Yer a braver man than I."
It was a nice compliment. And we did go and had a most memorable day. It was kind of misty and my older sons helped me lug all the stuff up under a canopy of trees and we barbecued park steaks and I took pictures (which I will find and post) and Adam was as happy is a Big-Headed Clam. Later we hid the small portable BBQ up in the clustered trees...we came back next year and it was still there and we used it.
Jesus said we should become like children and a part of my philosophy with my kids has always been in incarnate into their world, not demand they live in mine. That is especially important here with Camille. She doesn't need any of our mess...and let's face it, it's adults who do the messing. They cannot seem to help themselves. So I have always tried to see through their eyes.
I think at this point Adam has a "whatever" attitude not in a defiant way, but in just the way I have described ("I don't want any of your adult mess. Wanna play Starcraft online?" Er, yes). I applaud this. And I actually do not wish it either. I was perfectly happy to be supportive of L and LIBF, brought them dinner when they moved in, was available for extra kid duty to help out (and get more time with my kids...it was not all altruistic), and suddenly they simply turned on me for no good reason. I do not want any of their mess either and I have been scolded now a few times by close friends not so much that I am too forgiving, only that I seem to forget.
I won't make that mistake again (I think). In that regard I suppose some of this does land in my lap. We all know the old saying about getting burned. Well I use to allow it regularly and I suppose it is only fair that I own that I allowed that.
Now LIBF has also accused my of "blaming others". Anyone who knows me knows I own my own stuff. I am not blaming, I am simply NAMING what is going on. I am simply telling the truth, which I understand is unnerving. But as Thomas Merton points out "The lie brings violence and disorder into our nature itself." Now Merton is talking on a grand scale, but it is no less true on a small personal level. If I lie then my internal life is in disorder. If I accept lies then the same.
Living a truthful life is not comfortible. In fact, it is embarassing. But it is "self-cleaning" and self-respectful. I would like all of my children to grow up with the moral courage to speak the truth with humility. I say all because my older sons already do this. Sean does not think himself humble, but in a very real way he truly is. Thomas just is...he is very, er...Zen. I respect both of them greatly.
I am not allowing this "travesty of a mockery of a sham" and I promise you I won't. And sometime in the future we will once again be at Baker Beach playing Uno and trying to find the missing piece of the kite and Adam will be flipping the food on the grill. It may be next week. It may be a year from now. I do not have the power and legally it would take at least a year to get it back.
So I have decided to simply take the high road and emphasize what my kids need, the injustice and telling the truth.
There is freedom in telling the truth...even the freedom to find out you are wrong. I always hold that possibility (and sometimes I find it is true).
Paul says three things "abide" (last): "faith, hope and love". That is all I have for my kids...that and food and bags of fun.
Retreating
Adam's treasure from Pt. Reyes.
Adam just informed me that his mother is gone with my Daughter and he has no idea where.
The are on "retreat". And there is really only one place to go...Inverness.
It a place I found and have sent countless others to to get spiritually grounded. I do not begrudge L. going there at all.
The irony though is LIBF accused me recently of breaking an agreement because they could not get immediate phone contact with Adam the day after the "non-incident". It was because we were in Inverness having lunch and playing with the dog. Cell phones do not work so well out there.
Which is why I suppose I cannot get through to Lori's cellphone right now and find out how my daughter is. Howveer, LIBF has no excuse. I called him and he did not answer. He also is not home watching over my son.
For all I know, Daughter is sitting at exactly the same spot R and Adam and I did that weekend that they found so offensive, having a sandwich and looking out at Tomales Bay.
Now that I cannot get ahold of her on the phone is of no consequence when it is me. But it is a felony when it happens the other way.
Here are the words he wrote to me:
On Saturday you did not answer Lori's repeated phone attempts to contact Adam. That is a legal violation of her custody and her access to her son. Again, it is the action that speaks, not your email, not any of your words.
So how is what is true for the goose true for the gander? And mind you, this is from Live in Boyfriend...not even a committed Goose.
The difference is I really have no problem with L taking Daughter on retreat on her own weekend. I am certain they will have a great time, just as my time with Adam at the same retreat house was so special.
We walked on the beach and a dalmation came up and played with us for over an hour and there was a shipwreck off the coast of Drakes bay and we brought back a brass portal (see above) that Adam gladly called his "treasure" and we grilled steaks in the kitchen at St. Columba's and read stories and at 3 a.m. he fell out of the other bed in the St. Jean Vianney room like a stone and we still laugh about it till this day.
I hope Lori has such a time with Camille. I have not the slighest objection.
No, it is the utter hypocrisy that I object to.She can go anywhere at anytime and I have no access. I go for lunch to the very same place (with someone they have agreed can be supervisor...which is already so wrong on all levels but I submit to it) and her Live in Boyfriend makes it seem like a major legal infraction because we are out of cell contact for a few hours.
Now she is and he isn't answering.
That's just crazy folks...just as crazy as crazy can be. It's beyond crazy and it is hurting my kids every day.
*******
So my daughter has been witheld from me for over a month for no reason. They cannot produce one single point. My son is mostly home alone and on his own. Very wise when the lad is 13, just started high school and is in a new city.
These people need help. Seriously.
Art
Pots painted by Cammie and her Papi.
In Eden God gave Adam an artist's dream in cultivating the Garden.
God is the Supreme Artist and as we, male and female, are created in God's image we are also creators. Sure, we don't do it
ex nihilo, but we do it with we are given.
Daughter and I planted seeds a few months back and she made a great chart to keep track which I shall publish tonight. Then we painted like 20 clay pots and just had fun. We ran out of paint in fact and walked hand in hand down to the art store 8 blocks from here. She loves that art store
"I just love being in here!" she says to me. Then we bought some acrylics and got back to having fun with the pots (some pictured above).
Last night I had marinated tomatos on my big hot sausage sandwich slathered with hot and sweet mustard, red onions and a bit of horseradish. I was watching the A's lose game one (they will be back) and there is nothing better than baseball and a great hot sandwich. Those toms came from Camille and my planting and waiting, watering and pruning.
Out on the deck, all of Camille's seeds have come to fruition and in the pots we painted together.
She is a creator and an artist. I love her art.
Adam Part 3
I love this picture of the Ad-Man
.
Adam Part 2
Adam and I reconstruct Kite Number 2 from the "Bag O' Fun"
One of the stronger biblical admonitions is to respect your father and your mother. It's a needed respect for loving authority in life.
Of course this is very difficult in some cases when fathers and mothers do not respect themselves, or their kids and are abusive.
My parents were not abusive, they were just screwed up like, well, like we all are to some degree. But as a Christian I hold to this seriously...to respect both.
Now this is a lot easier with my father. My mother is...er, relationally challenged; but my dad keeps trying and we have made progress to the point where I believe he feels respected and cared for by me.
It is really for the child's benefit...not the parent (although they have less crap to deal with to be sure). If the child does not respect his parents they are left in a personal anarchy and confusion that can be hellish.
We have all read stories of successful athletes who were raised soley by their mothers. The mother has to do both parts because the man has deserted them. My own father was raised by a marvelous woman who did it all alone. She also helped raise me and my memories of her are sweet. She was the grace of God.
(It is at this point that L would always yell at me "Could you get to the point!!")
Nope. My blog, and you can shut your yapper.
In this case I deserted no one and I write a painful check every month so that I can, er...
not see my kids but be an additional source of revenue for L. I not only did not desert my kids
I was forced out.
Now that may sound like sour grapes...but actually it was a mercy. I doubt I would be here today had she not done so because she had so destroyed my self-esteem and self-respect that I truly did want to die.
There is a story about two of my best friends, Scott and Kim, coming back from Tahoe right past Roseville. As they approached Scott said to Kim "should we stop and see Mac?"
They deliberated and decided it was too sad and gruesome to watch what was regularly transpiring. They had seen it for years and did not want to see a man they love so demoralized and sad. They kept driving right on by.
I cannot say I blame them. A few years later Scott would say "I feel like I have my friend back from the dead".
Now how does all this relate to Adam????
He is a young man and he needs his father and we are very close. In fact it is unusual that I never had a rough patch with my boys through adolescence. I remember when Thomas went through a bad patch of depression and his lanky frame at 14 draped on my lap and my just holding him, praying for him and stroking his hair as he cried.
No imagine while he is going through that he is not allowed to see me freely?
And here is the brutal message: "We (meaning L and LIBF) need to "protect" you from your own father."
That is a sick message for Adam to hear.
How are kids supposed to respect their parents if one parent treats the other (through coercion) like a second-class parent?
What does that set in the heart and mind of a young man?
L's rage and ability to block out reality scares me...but no one is perfect or gets a perfect parent. My dad use to rage at me...in the words of Monty Python "he got better". It did not matter that it happened when I was in my 40s.
You still need your dad. And every child, if they can, is better for respecting their father and mother. I feel better about myself when I respect my father. My mother...well I try.
Respect is a funny thing. Many people think it must be earned...which is problematic because people are so messed up and judgmental. I personally think it needs to be freely bestowed. My kids never got to "earn" respect. I gave it to them and they accepted it and embodied it.
When L decided to go for a better degree and in theology I had a choice to have her earn respect or simply to give it. I gave it. Even now, after what she has done, I am reticent to withdraw that.
Ironic huh?
Here is what my kids need and it is simple. They need regualr weekends with their father who loves, respects and engages them.
Anything less is bullshit and ego.
Adam
Adam walks his sister to the snack shack at China Camp Beach to get shrimp cocktails.
It's far to easy to overlook Adam in all of this. He's the most communicative, open and gracious of all four kids who are much the same. He has a heart a mile wide, a mile deep and is 6 feet tall at 13. He is respectful but also has a healthy sense of himself.
Very low maintenance. And in such a situation we all worry about the 8 year old girl and for good reason. It is unhealthy for her to be witheld from her natural father because this si the formative time when young girls get their depiction of men. If father is aloof or unavailable it does not bode well. And if mother has the power to deprive a young girl from seeing a loving father than damage is done as well.
But see? It's so easy to gloss over what Adam is feeling.
We talk on the phone pretty much daily and IM back and forth. He thinks, as I do, that this whole mess that L has conconcted is simply "dumb". He misses me and I miss him.
We play Starcraft together when he is here, and I bought him the game for his new computer that LIBF bought him. He is very good at the game and I don't think I have yet yelled at him the way I use to when Sean, Thomas and I use to play. We are not talking bad yelling...in fact I was talking to Thomas recently and we were laughing about that. We use to go to Prima early Saturday mornings and play for a couple hours. I'm very competitive and I suppose I have mellowed now. I think I stopped ragging on them when Thomas started kicking my ass in Tribes.
I'm really good, but he can still kick my ass.
Adam is a "hugger" which is unusual for a 13-year-old...but as I said he has a very open heart and feels secure in himself. So he saunters out in the morning and comes over and gives me a big long hug. It's a nice moment. Lately we had been playing basketball together down at a schoolyard.
I was thinking last night and wondering why I continue to not be worried or distressed. I mean it has been at least 5 weeks now and I have not seen my daughter or son and there is no end in sight. I feel very calm although I miss them. I suppose it is because I know with an unshaleable conviction that I am right in this. That is unusual...very unusual. I am often my own worst critic...but in this I see the greater good of two children having equal access to both parents and the detriment of one parent lording it over the other.
See I would never do that. I would not make it a matter of ego and power to deprice my children of time with their mother. No possible way that happens unless she starts beating them or they get locked out of the house on a regular basis.
Well she does not beat them, and they do not get locked out regularly and I am a patient man (or have become one). I know they are safe and my only concern (besides the lack of father-nurture) is that they are being farmed out and neglected for pride's sake. My daughter spent Saturday sitting at her mother's work in San Francisco when she could have been walking around the Zoo with myself and Reese not too far away.
L will say.."but you could have come and got her for an hour or so". Do you see how utterly screwed up that is? What message does it send a child when she is "allowed" and hour here or there?
Part Two coming up next...
Ignored
My daughter called me today a couple times. She was bored as her mother was at work and LIBF is in New York on business.
She is watched by her 13 year old brother who is a great kid.
But we could have been at the Zoo today.
That's Ridiculous!
The "Seal" with Doggles.
Adults often project their own issues onto others. These others can be kids, or an abode...or even a pet.
My mother is a classic cat/dog lady. She likes them because they cannot talk back or take issue.
In this little skirmish we are in the analogy which is easy. L is the 37 theater mega-plex and I am the alternative theater with three screens.
Do I project? Yes. I'm sure I do despite my desire to be fair. But I do not project wildly on 37 screens and without discrimination. In fact that last observation was on
Screen One. Do with it what you will. I only have two left.
Screen Two: Projection is not about entertainment in this context. It is about blame. I am not interested in blame. I only brought up the fact that my daughter was locked out of her house on LIBF's watch to reveal an irony and blantant contradiction. She was safe here and cared for and he used power to come get her...then she got locked out of her house that Sunday morning.
That would never happen here.I do not think him irresponsible by any means.
It was an honest mistake.I do not think my Ex is a bad mother...in fact, other than this one crucial issue, I think she is a remarkabely good mother.
Screen Three: Is what we make of it. We can continue to posture and leave the well-being of the kids outside. I'm more than willing to allow Ms. Multi-plex to show a short film so long as I get to then record open time with my two lovely children in freedom and respect. I can leave the projector off.
I'm really not interested in projection anymore. I am interested in recording life and more life.
No Speak
One of the main gifts given to humanity is speech. It came long before the written words that I type here and have existed for only maybe 5,000 or so years.
In the Garden in Genesis (Bible) one of the unique features was the naming of the animals. God asked Adam to name the animals and even God went by that name (It's why the Platypus is so named...I feel certain it is just as ridiculous in Hebrew. It does kinda fit.)
Speech had a certain power and it still does today. In a very real sense every newspaper you read, every news report you listen to, and every show you watch is simply the "naming of the animals" in some way or another.
Human speech is a remarkable gift and all of our arguments against one another are attempts to try and name the animals in each other without seeing the animals in ourselves.
I see the animal in myself. It displeases me. I'd rather be in denial but it is too late for me. I took the "red pill" a long time ago.
I stand alongside those who have taken the "blue pill" often.
One of the telling signs of those who have taken the blue pill is that they cannot handle dissonance or disagreement.
They cannot admit they are wrong because it would destory the artifice of certainly.
So they simply try to silence dissonance and truth-telling.
*******
Now lest you think I think I am "right" let me clarify. I am wrong all the time. Regularly..er, daily. I do not have the luxury of self-imposed certainty nor do I need it because I have faith. I live in relationship with a God in Who's mere shadow I am pretty much always wrong.
I got an email in response to my not accepting a subliminal relationship with my daughter via email (for no reason...they have yet to produce one) with the admission that my email to my daughter with a great picture of the bird eggs and a note to her were summarily erased because
"I did not see the other one you sent as I am reading fewer and fewer of your emails"
Let's be clear on this. I send brief practical emails when appropriate. That's it. The majority have been supportive of L and her various moves the last year.
So if she is viewing fewer and fewer emails that would maybe be like 2 a month instead of 6 of a practical nature.
Fear and more fear.
******
L use to scream at me when i wanted to talk about issues "This conversation is OVER!!!"
The great gift we have is that we can talk and we do not have to be "right" all of the time. God's grace is sufficient, and we can choose to love instead of being ruled by fear and anger.
For right now I have to trust in that grace and love that God has for my kids while they are witheld from me. I do. I am at peace on that. I know they suffer because of it, but there are far worse things and they know that I love them.
L would like to silence me and control all my contact with my children. It cannot be done.
She has already lost. She just does not realize it yet.
Eggs and emails
Boo and Peanut's nest with eggs.
I sent this picture with a message to Daughter a few days ago. I followed it up with phone calls and an email to her mother.
No response...for days.I called again tonight and finally got to talk with Daughter and she was very excited that Boo and Peanut (our finches) have two viable eggs. As I sit and write this both of them are nestled on top of the two eggs. We are hopeful that in 12 more days we will see two little finches.
*******
I had to write the check today. Even though my kids are witheld from me for no good reason I have to write the check.
I did. You know how us deadbeat dads are!
Again, I do not begrudge what I pay. I would pay at least that if I got to live with my kids and gladly. The only downside is I do not get to see my kids.
I just get to pay.
Still, I am truly not bitter about paying. Someone recently told me about a guy who makes a great deal of money...but he lives in a van (not down by the river). He does this so that he is untraceable and because he wants to spend his money directly on his sons without hindrances.
I understand his stance, but the reality is that one parent will shoulder the financial burden and the other should pay into that in way of support.
I do not think a dime of what I pay goes to my Ex. It all goes to my kids. I actually wish I made more money. I'd voluntarily do more.
*******
In the State of California the two issues are exclusive. I take that serious.
I could easily withold child support while my kids are witheld from me. But I don't and I won't. It does not feel right to me, and my integrity and honesty are paramount to me.
But it also is not right that my children are witheld from me for no good reason. So....two wrongs do not make a right and I will not do that wrong (witholding my obligation as a father).
So I write the check and I wait to see my sweet kids here in their other house. I wish they did not have my "other" house to deal with, but then that was not my choice, it was L's.
It was her choice not mine. That's God's honest truth and there is no excuse for broken vows.
And I will not be a victim and I will not allow my children to be deprived of a loving and nurturing father.
Ghandi's Birthday
Born October 2, 1869.
Ghandi continues to be a teacher and also emblematic of the quest for peace, non-violence and tolerance.
Non-violence does not work in every place and in every time. It worked in India, it worked in Manila, it worked in Poland (perhaps for other reasons) and has in other times and places. Most often those places have some sense of Judeo-Christian values at the very least, and as such a moral conscience can be appealed to.
In Tienneman Square there was no such sub-text and the tanks just rolled over them. And elsewhere. Yet as tragic as that was it has been instilled in the global conscience.
Ghandi was a "uniter". He was able to bring Christians, Jews, Muslims and Hindus together in community.
There is nothing we need more at this time than a man like Ghandi. But we do not have such a man, though Os Guinness reminded me recently that in a given time quite often the right person "turns up". We can only hope.
In the meantime, we can hold to a commitment to peace, fairness, even love and grace, yet with a hard-edge of truth.
We do not need to pretend that there are not huge differences in our religions and beliefs. That would by lying. There is no way to reconcile the high-end world views of Hinduism with Christianity. There may be some cross-overs between practical Zen Buddhism and Christian practice, but the raising up of Jesus as Lord stands in stark contrast. Islam is another matter. We Christians can respect our common heritage, but not the call of coercion to enforce faith (even though we Christians historically have been guilty of the same).
No. What we see now is not a battle between Christianity and Islam...it is between Capitalism and radical Islam.
Lincoln was a uniter and it cost him his life (he was, in fact, the first Republican president by the way). Ghandi was the same. It cost him his life. The ultimate Uniter is Christ who was also killed.
So today we celibrate Ghandi and how he changed humanity for the better. He is what we could be, just as we can be disciples of Christ. We fall short out of fear, or anger, but mostly fear which fuels it.
Ghandi was not afraid. And Ghandi loved God.
Kids
Camille.
Today would have been a good day with the kids. Adam and I would have played Starcraft, we would have made hotdogs for lunch, played Monopoly and Daughter and I would have painted more pots or canvases on the deck. A good long walk with the Pooch, but really pretty much concentrated time because my time with them is so limited.
We would have make jokes and cuddled on the couch and watched the new Spongebob episode and I might have even made my signature breakfast potatoes (they take awhile). I would have asked Adam to help with some minor chores and he would oblige. I've been working Camille into starting this. It is part of being family. Still most of the time they are doing something and ask to wait just a bit.
Okay. Fine.
Camille would have been fascinated by the finch eggs. And I might have suggested she do a painting of that with her various art sets here. I would have asked them to make their beds and clean their room, or at least straighten them up.
We would be missing something for dinner or snacks so we would hit the store. Fresh Bordenaves bread, or cream cheese or ice cream. A nice bottle of wine and a amber beer for R.
Camille and I would both forget, once again, to use the cookie dough that has been in the refrigerator for a month (it will out live us all).
In the late afternoon we would maybe hit China Camp Beach and eat sandwiches and play Authors.
A movie at night...either two separate ones (guys room or girls) or one in the main room. Then teeth-brushing for Daughter, stories, a nice back-rub (this is her mother's trick) and leaving the lights on because she gets scared at night no matter where she is.
The Boy outlasts me at night because I wake up at like 4 (maybe 5:15 on a good day). He's fine. He sleeps in till 11 if he wants.
Camille doesn't. I have been at my desk only 2-3 hours before she comes out and comes and gives me a hug. Then she sits on the couch and I ask if she wants hot chocolate and she always says yes. Later she turns on cartoons and starts to ask about food.
As with all my children breakfast food requires almost Jimmy Carter-esque negotiations. Not a one of the four of them have ever agreed to the same early morning nourishment. They alternately love and hate eggs...or eggs with cheese are good, but without...forget it. Waffles are in...waffles are out. For awhile I was able to sidestep with the simple use of sausage. This too passed.
So I just cook food...the potatoes with garlic and onions, the eggs and sausage and then make sure there is milk and plenty of sugar-encrusted cereal around.
I figure they can have nutrition at lunch and dinner.
Later Adam and I would do high fives (well now it is fist to fists) after pummeling Internet Zergs. Then I would aks him to do a load of dishes, which he does without whining.
There are always lots of hugs and jokes and I only get sore when they start to mess with each other too much...which usually is a sign that I need to engage one of them more.
And that is what would have happened this weekend if I had been allowed to see my kids. Anyone who knows me knows this is true.
*******
I continue to insist this is simply about power and fear. Nothing I have seen contradicts this in any way. My children are missing valuable time with their father at a crucial time (an 8 year-old girl and a 13-year old young man). I have done nothing but love, nurture, care and be creative with my kids. All four of them.
I have had power myself at a few times in my life. It made me circumspect and I realized my power needed to be used for the good of others. I also knew God would hold me accountible for its use and misuse. Not to say God would send me to Hell for making mistakes (I've made plenty...I just admit them) but that it was meant to be a gift to bless others and not a hammer to be used for coercion.
This is the correct use of power. To GIVE.P.S. If it seems I am exaggerating, ask any of my kids directly if this is true. In fact, Sean and Thomas had it even better because not only did they have their own room, they had their own Batcave.
