Charlie Brown Wises Up
A classic scene.
"Chris,I'm wondering if you'd set anything up for supervised visits for this weekend, or if you wanted to come do something w/Ad & Cam Saturday or Sunday for a few hours.L"*******
L,
My answer is now public and will continue to be every day.
I am not angry. I am simply determined and focused. I will continue to publish on this issue every single day until you see how unfair this is and how our children are being deprived by your own personal control issues.
Next week I will begin to send out a series of these pieces to various outlets and blogs.
This is not about me. It never has been. It is about you. I remind you that if you had any question the night daughter called you, you had a "supervisor" present in R and you never even asked to speak with her.
I think that about sums it.
You just got on the phone and gave me an earful and then had LIBF dump on me. R was here. She witnessed it all.
Then two days later my daughter is locked out of your house while LIBF is asleep.
I have shown myself to be reasonable, open, and supportive of the many changes you have made that involve my children and also of you personally. I have even accepted the unfair judgment that Reese was to be a "supervisor". We know it is not an issue and nothing has ever occurred at any time.
I'm just glad the last two years I have had a witness. You have no grounds for anything. In the meantime, I have provided a home and private bedroom for my children and a safe place to be. I have instituted fun rituals and been open to your suggestions for improving upon even those. There are millions of kids who would love to have that, including my two.
In response, you continue to withhold them, farm them out routinely to other families and demand to have everything on your terms.
I do not agree to your new terms and I will not. We have had a precedent set these last two years in practice, so stow it about Placer County. That travesty is null and void.
And there is nothing more you can take from me that you have not already taken L, so you have no power...just accountability for your actions and how they will affect our children for the rest of their lives.
What else can you take from me that you have not already taken? I cannot think of a thing, seriously.
I will publish this letter tomorrow for adults who are reading. I will also always tell the truth, albeit age-appropriate for the safety of my children.
The two modes of communication are separate. I will not allow my kids to get in the middle as you have. No one reads doghouse but adults.
Do not worry. You will get your check next week even though you withhold my children from me. I know you worry about such things, but visitation and child support should not be connected. I am a man of my word.
Mac
*******
Of course there is an epilogue. I looked at my phone logs and then R's and there were like 8 calls from LIBF's phone. I'm not dealing with him because he is just the Live-In Boyfriend. His credability was lost when he over-reacted to a non-incident and took my daughter.
Once I see my kids again on a regular basis, and he apologizes I am open to re-establishing the trust he has decimated. Until then I have no interest in speaking with him and I do not trust him as anything other than a tool.
I talked earlier about Ron (my first wife's husband at the time). I could always count on him to listen and be fair. Sometimes I could see it pained him because he was caught between what was fair and the expectations of his wife. Tough place to be. But I often asked him "well, what would you do if you were me?"
Good man. I felt genuinely saddened when I heard he and Karen were divorcing. I felt bad for Karen because I am partly responsible for her even having to remarry. I felt bad for Ron because he is an honorable and humble man.
LIBF is a good man, but he is not humble. Therein lies the difference and also why I no longer trust him. A humble man would have thought more about my daughter than his own past fears. He would also have thought about me. he would have asked to talk with R if he was really concerned. But I received a letter shortly after basically saying that nothing I could say or do could change his position.
This from the Live-In Boyfriend who sleeps while my daughter is locked outside.
Note to LIBF: You don't get to have a position because they are not your kids. You are not even married to their mother. Ron was married to Karen and he had the full responsibilities of a step-father. He did a fine job.
You don't get a say. You only get to mimic their mother's view like a puppet.
*******
As for me...I always wondered why Charlie Brown never wised up and kept letting Lucy hold the football. SLAM!!!
Metaphorically speaking, I have wised up. Took me 18 years to figure it out and a great deal of pain:
When it comes to L, I've been playing the wrong game.Baseball is really my game. I got bat speed, a great curveball and I can put a 97 mph fastball next to your earlobe if I want. I do this as a writer on a daily basis.
So Lucy can hold the football all she wants. I'm not available.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Chris Columbus did a great job with Robin Williams a number of years back on the plight of fathers who are separated unfairly from their children. It's a great comedy, but I often cry when I watch it because it shows what extreme measures fathers have to go through to just see their children unhindered.
In particular there is the scene where Williams complains to Sally Fields, somewhat bitterly, that he had to be "watched" by some supervisor like he was some pervert with his own kids. He never did anything wrong except becoming divorced.
But he loves his kids and is a talented man so he dresses up as an elderly woman so he can be near them unhindered.
Well I don't look good in drag.
Kid's know it is not fair. They have an intuitive sense but one parent usually has the power. In Williams case he had none.
But that was in the film...I believe he did quite well in the real world when instead of becoming the nanny he actually left his wife
FOR the nanny...but that's money folks! Ironies abound! And if I had it I would not be in this position. This would be over in a month and for good.
No, the money I could spend on a lawyer actually goes to the woman who is witholding my children from me. Every month.
What I pay is not unfair. In fact it is voluntary and an amount she suggested which I felt was fair. No State of California intervening. She has the majority of expenses and what I pay is fair...unless I have to hire a lawyer so I can see my kids.
And that is the insane part.
When my Ex decided to divorce me she wanted a high-priced lawyer to just kick my ass. I knew that was 30-40k minimum flushed down the drain and held the line for mediation.
I held the line and refused to be baited. I was patient. At every provocation I pointed towards mediation and also a man we both trusted (even though she had been in love with him at one point while we were married. He was not in love with her.). She finally relented to common sense and the dollar.
It was a fair settlement. She did much better than me in the long run, but the original settlement was not unfair. I am happy she made a killing on the other house. But my point is that I have been the steady and fair person in this whole mess and I am now.
I didn't want a divorce. I have dealt with it.
I didn't want to be away from my kids. I have dealt with it.
I didn't want Reese to have to be a "supervisor". I dealt with it.
What I will not deal with is this latest unreasonable attempt to keep my children from me without reason.
Oh sure, she will take my check on Monday, but I have not seen my kids in weeks and it could be a long time.
Why?
Because she can. That is the only reason.
At the end of
Mrs. Doubtfire, Williams gets to see his kids because his Ex finally recognizes that her kids cannot live without their father. It is not in their best interest. When confronted she says it was because she was angry at the time. Well any of you who have known My and L's relationship know that she is angry.
Good luck LIBF.
But anger runs it's course. It cannot supercede the love of a father for his children or their love for him. That will not be denied.
Just delayed.
The Land of Os
Os Guinness.
I met Os Guinness yesterday for the first time. Well it was not exactly a private meeting, but in a Q&A after hios lecture we had a nice chat back and forth on Postmodernism, Pluralism, the Emergent Church and discussions for the Public Square.
The thing that struck me most about him was an unpandering balance and fairness. Whether the questions were about Hilary Clinton, the Iraq War or Megachurches, Dr. Guinness kept steady eyes on the truth in an unwavering yet gracious way.
He has an encyclopedic mind. No notes or books to tow along...no he has given this all much thought and to misquote Sean Connery from
The Rock "My blueprints are in my head!"
To a lesser degree I understand this as I rarely take notes anymore and am able to write with a certain freedom because I have already done the work. I suppose it is like a batter who has spent intolerable hours in the batting cage. He can go warm up a bit, but he's got the mechanics down and the muscle memory.
I did write down one small journal page of notes on shifts...paradigm shifts.
1) Corporate or communal (body) life has shifted to individualism;
2) Authority has shifted to preference; and
3) Exclusivity has shifted to syncretism.
Now none of these are new to me, but it was nice to hear them spoken by someone else..someone in a suit and tie with a degree, whereas I look like an aging hippie in a t-shirt and shorts (I was...Tabs, wearing my McMenamins' shirt proudly amidst all the suits and ties. Hooray!).
I went with my new friend Rod Miles, who is pastor of a church plant in Marin. Actually I was his invited guest and it was a yearly prayer breakfast attended by some good 300 people. Catholics, Jews, Episcopalians, Baptists, Presbyterians...on and on.
Well I did not know anyone except Rod, who is a delight. But then I saw Father Tom Brindley of St. Columba's and we visited just a bit. I have a long history with St. Columba's going back fifteen years. But that is another story.
And, of course, once I saw the ballroom I feared it would be a Religious Right Dumbfest.
It wasn't at all. I suppose that is because it is Marin.
In fact, the only time my eyes glazed over and I wanted to put a bullet in my brainpan was when the president of the local Presbyterian seminary and a liberal, got up and did the longest most pompass prayer I have heard since....well, since I left the PCUSA. So there you go.
He left after his prayer out the back way and you could hear a loud crash in the kitchen.
I admit, I chuckled.
More in a bit. I have to go to work.
Women
Reese with garlic fries.
We were at the Giants game last night, actually on business. You gotta love a job where they give you $100 tickets right on the third baseline for free and you have to be there to take pictures.
My roommate Reese had not been to a game since she was a teenager. It was a great deal of fun and I made sure to spoil her where I could (note the hat...cool huh?)
Now the reason I accept just being roommates with such a beautiful woman is because
I can. Also, I would be foolish not to since women, in my experience, are a great deal of trouble and it is very hard to find one with whom you can live in relative peace.
I admit it is probably not any easier living with a man, and
certainly not with me.
I use to think I was a smart man. I mean I can write, paint, argue, read books that would make an ordinary person put a bullet in their brainpan...smart. Wicked Smaaaaht.
But I am really not very smart. Or perhaps the issue is wisdom...hmnnn.
*******
For say...oh...what day is it? Tuesday, Wednesday...er two decades I serial monogamied two women. Well actually there was some cross-blending between the two...so it was not exactly serial monogamy it was
transitional monogamy.
I use to always be in a hurry.
Later I would not be in a hurry at all and I also sat down and actually thought about it. Hmnnn... I kept coming up with the same conclusion that the common denominator in my failed relationships with women was, er...me.
*******
So with that knowledge I leapt into action and proceeded to do the exact same thing another time.
After they removed my remains from the wood-chipper, I sat down again and thought about it. Did I mention I am really not a very smart man?
I was named after A.A. Milne's character "Christopher Robin" but I am really a lot more like Pooh. Still "Pooh MacDonald" would have only brought more trouble, and I have had plenty.
I decided that I needed to not date or engage in conversation women who were highly intelligent but who also had anger and control issues.
This was a breakthrough not unlike the infamous "Pirranha Brothers" sketch done by Monty Python. At first they threatened the person with being beaten up if they paid them the money. Second, they threatened to not beat the person up unless they didn't pay them. On the third try, they threatened to actually beat the person up if they did not pay them.
And this was the
turning point for the Pirranha brothers.
So in my mid-forties (I can scarcely believe it) I hit the turning point and I realized I should only date or be in relationship with women who were smart and also fair and kind.
(Of course they have to be beautiful...but that has never been an issue.)
Well, needless to say things have gone a great deal better since then.
*******
Both of my ex-wives are very smart, industrious and beautiful. I sat at last year's holiday festivities in Ex No. 1's house and watched the two of them dance.
They should get a room.
But they won't because they also evaluate each other constantly as they do everyone else.
Moving from one to the toher? I have no excuse...Instant Karma baby. The gift you give yourself that keeps on giving.
Now that is not to say these women are at all bad. Nope. In fact, I could not have picked two finer women to raise my four kids. Sure, they have down-sides...welcome to life. But both have a nurture and care for my children that is rare these days and I am proud of both of them for all of their effort and grateful.
Now if they could just figure out how to treat adults they'd have it made.
*******
My first Ex tried to withold my kids from me. It's natural after a divorce (which can be a vicious thing). I was smart in my ignorance and simply kept seeing the kids. I also challenged her at every point on withholding them from their natural father and she gave in because it was in their best interest. I respected the hell out of that.
Later, she remarried. He was and is a very good man. We did all the negotiating over the years and even became friends...in time. To this day I am grateful for Ron and all he did for my two older sons. They maintain a good relationship with him even though he and my Ex are now divorced.
He was and is a good and humble man. He never steamrolled me, but he always spoke his mind. Gospel guy. We worked it out.
Second Ex is another matter. The fact is I really like her a lot and I care deeply about her and her future. She doesn;t give a rat's ass about mine.
I cannot explain it...it just is what it is. Sometimes God calls you to love those who despise you. I seem to get the call more regularly than most and I'm not happy about it.
My guess is there is some deep wound that I trigger in her. She knows it is not in our kid's best interest to not come here freely. She knows this.
She has no excuse. If she had really been worried the night of the non-incident she could have just asked to speak to Reese on the phone (who she had agreed would be supervisor). She did not. Instead it all came out...the anger, the accusations (unfounded) and then the repeated phone calls while I tried to console my daughter. Then the STOMP.
This is why I no longer suffer the company of angry and controlling women.
Good with kids...most definitely...but then she has the power. Good with adults? Not so very much.
*******
With brings me back to the issue of women.
This is what men think about all day: women.
Yes, sure, we also think about money, jobs, the yard, our retirement, friends and even God (notice what place God gets).
But we think about women because we are built that way. I am thankful to say that at 49 I am no longer beholden to this. I can choose otherwise and I pity any man younger than me (especially in this culture).
Being in love with a woman is not about sex. That's the very early translation and often mishandled. It's really about love and trust and respect. It's about communication and a climate of grace.
Now I am blessed because my roommate is very beautiful, kind, honest and smart. While we are not an "item" neither of us is the least bit interested in anyone else. So we live here in peace, care, good humor, love and mutual respect.
Things could change, but only for the better.
I have to say one more thing about her: She is great with my kids. So am I.
Side-light: Tagged
Books...yum.
Man & Nature by Gregory Bateson
Love in the Western Word by deRougemont
Moffat on love on the NT
Walker Percy on Semiotics
Thiliecke on The Church
Bonhoeffer, Lewis, Kierkegaard and Malraux.
My
Sis tagged me on this meme that was sent from
Jaclyn (who has awesome taste...they both do...check them both out).
1. One book that changed your life - Have to say the Bible though I know it's corny. Genesis, Ecclesiastes, Pslams, Proverbs, the Song of Songs, Gospel of John, Colossians and Johns letters in particular.
2. One book you’ve read more than once. I read Walker Percy's
The Second Coming every other year. I also read Pascal and Thomas Merton repeatedly.
3. One book that you’d want on a desert island. Again it would have to be the Bible...just so I could pray the Psalms. If that was not available...the complete works of Mad Magazine.
4. One book that made you laugh. Confederacy of Dunces or Woody Allen's
Without Feathers.
5. One book that made you cry. I cry like a baby with movies, but books do not make me cry. Okay, once Anders Nygren made me cry with
Meaning and Method but that was because it is almost unreadible though important. The sequel
Meaning and Mentos is much more explosive.
6. One book that you wish you had written. Azotusland...oh...I wrote that. Ooops.
7. One book you wish had never been written. I'm with Sis on this...anything by Ann Coulter. Robert Schuller comes in a close second.
8. One book you are reading at the moment. Thomas Merton's
Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander.
9. One book that you’ve been meaning to read. Eugene Peterson's
Christ Plays in 10,000 Places. It's on my coffee table.
10. Tag five Myspacers: Okay...Seanathonorama, David Eugene, Tabitha Jane, Martha, and Lara.
Fear Part Two
Adam and Camille.
I've sat with this situation for a couple weeks now. The answer is always the same: fear-based.
Fear turns to anger, anger turns to suffering...and I sound like Yoda now.
The fact that I am writing about all this incites more fear in those who have the power (actually the one who has the power. LIBF has no real power at all...it is all "borrowed").
So they have to make it out that I am irresponsible. I am not.
Or that I do not pay child support, I do.
They make personal attacks based on incidents years ago that were untrue.
Again, there has never been an incident of any kind.
Pascal wrote that those "who fear should not, and those who did not fear should."It's a funny saying, but if you crawl into what he means it makes sense. The people we know who do not overtly fear are the most dangerous. Our current president is a good example. It would be better if he had a healthy dose of fear and circumspection.
He doesn't. Those around him even less.
Then we also know people dominated by fear and we wish they were not because we see how it hamstrings them. Perhaps you know someone like that. Someone who if they could just shake off their past fears and look ahead would be much freer than they are now.
That's Pascal's notion.
The reality behind Pascal's statement is that it is ALL fear-based. It's easy to see the former, but not easy to see the latter because it looks so impervious. It isn't. In fact, what fuels the overt lack of fear is fear itself. It's like the bully in school. They look fearless but it is fear that fuels them. A deeper fear.
*******
The opposite of fear is love and faith and hope. These three are not easy things themselves by any means. They are costly and often difficult, but St. Paul says of all things these three "abide" meaning they have permanent residence where fear cannot go and has no place.
I have been in both positions (Pascal's verse).
I have been utterly fearless and merciless with opponents. I evicerated and humiliated them when I was younger. As a college student there was no professor I would show the slightest mercy to in debate. Later I confronted cultists who claimed to be God.
I was a hammer.But as Pascal says, it would have been better if I had known some fear during those days. Years later the reverse would be true, and if I had my choice I would take that because it teaches compassion to know real fear. It humanizes to an extent and you understand the undercurrent in all human life of that one thing...fear.
It also elevates love because we all have choices and to love is the very best in every single situation.
I think ideally you want to be inbetween. Understand your fears and name them, show compassion and be willing to take real hits for love's sake. There is really no way around it because the other folk you have to deal with will generally fall on one side or the other. They will be too fearful or not fearful enough.
Let's face it..it's not such a fun topic and it's just easier to anesthetize that issue with alcohol, sugar, shopping, cigarettes, online blogging, television, etc. (the list is almost limitless). As Pascal also said about humanity:
"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."If my daughter does not learn how to sit in a quiet room alone she will turn, as all human beings do, to all manner of other things. Probably you cannot do that at 8 years old. It's too young and being a human being is about the most difficult thing you can be. Even God (in Jesus) found it difficult. So, you have to do it by degrees. I have confidence in her that she will do well.
My sons have done well...three of them. They are all honest young men and play things very plainly. They have good hearts and fine minds and a certain independence that I admire. None of them are arrogant, but none of them are cowed.
At some real point you have to trust God with your kids, and also trust in your own love for them. I admit I felt a twinge of fear this morning at the thought that I might not see my daughter and youngest son for many months. The fact it is unfair makes it worse. But that is where love, faith and hope come in. And the three are said to be as real on the "other side" as here and now.
I'll trust in that reality and not in fear.
*******
I jokingly mentioned Yoda earlier on the issue of fear. That saying about fear leading to suffering use to puzzle me till I saw it from the inside out.
The other day I was walking with my Pastor friend Rod and we were talking about Christology, apologetics, and new ways of presenting Gospel. We walked past the old Seminary (that I once attended until my wife became pregant with Adam). Rod is not a man dominated by fear...his fears are simple ones like fear of being arrogant or being late for an appointment. I enjoy our talks very much and he has the scent of Jesus on him. He is much more in the center of Pascal's statement on fear than I may ever be.
As we wound up back by the old toy store in San Anselmo talking and laughing, George Lucas walked up and looked in the window of the toy store. I thought that was pretty funny given the years I have spent in toy stores looking for and buying his toys. Lucas was about four feet away dressed in a simple plaid shirt and jeans. No one was with him.
Of course I wanted to say hi. I have always wanted to meet him. But thought better of it, but not from fear. It was a quiet morning and I imagine George Lucas likes his solitude looking into a toy store window...and besides I was enjoying Rod. So I said to Rod "there is our neighbor George Lucas...but let's leave him be."
But he had a nice ease about him. Usually a famous multi-millionaire travels with an entourage and an air of importance. Lucas stood there alone, looking like the assistant manager at a framing store on his day off, staring at a large race car model in the window, and imagining what he could do with it.
My estimation of George went up. I hope he buys the car.
Fear-Based Life
The Pumpkin with her Papi.
Today's topic is fear.
I was talking with Daughter on the phone two nights ago and she told me about her fears at night when she comes here. She was fairly quick to add that she had the exact same fears at her mother's house and that, basically, she just becomes afraid at night.
I think that is pretty normal for reasons I will explain in a bit. But one thing that was good was that Daughter did not fear talking openly to me about her fears. I could tell she felt better after expressing it.
*******
I was afraid that same way when I was a young boy. In fact I had a weird kind of train light that would cast a large pattern on the ceiling.
It looked like a spider and I was afraid of spiders. I was eight and weighed 68 pounds.
I still am afraid of spiders. We have a truce around here with the spiders because at age 49 and weighing in at 300 pounds with a massive reach I realized I finally had a decided advantage over most spiders. The agreement is they stay out of the inside of the flat and I let them co-exist with us peacefully on the deck and elsewhere.
We have drawn up no legal documents, it's just a live and let live policy. I even compliment them from time to time on their elaborate webs (which are those pentagonal masterpieces).
But when I was a kid and afraid of the giant spider on the wall I was told to be quiet, buck up and get my ass back in bed! The lights with the spider on the wall were left on.
All to say, I know the feeling of being afraid in your own bed. Only I was afraid then of two things.
My Daughter (in either household) is only afraid of one.
*******
Ernest Becker wrote that the fear of death is the "springboard for all of human activity" which is a rather grand statement given the amount of human activity that will take place on any given day. But he means that it is a core motivation from which all other fears spring, and their own springboards.
I believe their are oither springboards that are not fear based, but I take his general meaning and admit that a huge amount of human activity is based in fear...the fear of death being the greatest.
When a child, or perhaps you, are deeply afraid, what are you afraid of exactly? Is it something real or projected?
With human beings it is most often projected. When I was a boy my fear was literally projected on the wall, but the wall never ever hurt me and there was no spider just a projectin of my own fear. When my daughter is laying in her bed either here or at her mother's house there is no imminent or present danger of any kind. (When she is locked out of her house in Alameda and does not know the neighbors it is a bit different. Still, probably not in mortal danger).
Some of that is a good thing...at least for others. A few weeks back when Reese and I took Daughter to the Zoo I smirked at myself just watching how I constantly scan every possible situation for her safety. Like a mother hawk I scan and scan and run scenarios through my head and am ever ready to swoop down. She never leaves my eyes unless she is in the women's room and even then I wait outside anxiously.
Why?
Because there are
weirdos out there who take children and that is never gonna happen to mine.
Am I just projecting? It's possible. There may have been no danger at any point or with any person at the Zoo that day that warranted my suspicious eye. But still, I do not know these people and people, on the far end of the bell curve, are known to be dangerous.
So I calculate and watch and guard.
*******
Now I would not say my life is dominated by fear, but it is daily present. I could not be so calm about this current crisis if fear was dominating me. You see I have faith and in a couple of areas that are crucial (I do not have it in all areas).
One is I have faith in God. God rarely makes things better in the immediate but always promises to walk alongside and bring good out of bad situations. I believe this. I have experienced this many times. I have many wounds from past skirmishes, but even those have resulted in compassion and the healing of others.
I am a blessed man and not a victim.
I also have faith in people to some degree...even my recently now-adversarial Ex-wife. I do not know why now, after two years of peace and cooperation, she has suddenly decided to oppose me. I have done nothing. But as John-Paul Reese said recently (and I needed this) "Mac, you always see the good in people."
I do. It is true.
I was watching
Ghandi the other day. I never tire of that film even though it is 3 hours long. Ghandi was not only a visionary, he also was shrewd. He is the embodiment of Jesus' instruction to be "wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves." He understood that the moral conscience of the Western world could be pricked. The culminating scene in my view is when Lord Mountbatten comes as the last Viceroy to work out independence in India. He does so proudly and his heart is in it because Ghandi has won his trust and allegiance. It is Mountbatten who walks grieving later alongside Nehru and others at Ghandi's funeral.
Ghandi did not fear death the way we do, and thus was his freedom.
So fear is not only a projection, it is also a cage.
*******
Well one of the spiders broke the treaty and came inside. I'd like to say I had mercy, but fear and our agreement ruled the day and I grabbed him in tissue paper and gave him the long goodbye flush. I do not think he suffered much.
The other two spiders inside scurried out quickly and I feel sure a meeting is taking place now. I am not worried because I have the power and they have no press agent or PR firm.
The analogy is apparent.
But back to Ghandi. He wrote that
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Who can deny this?
And more ironic that we are called, as Merton and C.S. Lewis say to become "little Christs"? Followers of Jesus who wish his life to spring from our hearts and minds and in our actions be the hands and feet of Christ today.
Christ had fear. Although God, he was afraid of death in the Garden on the night of his betrayal and wished to be comforted by friends. They fell asleep.
Not easy being Jesus...not then, not now.
*******
So what has this to do with the current situation? Nothing.
Just kidding.
My daughter is afraid of the nightime. That is the only real issue and should be addressed as such. Maybe we can comfort her, maybe she will just grow out of it. Knowing her I don't see her having this problem when she is eleven. She has been through a lot of change lately (by the way, none of it mine) and feels vulnerable. She's just a little girl.
I have confidence in her. I have more confidence in her and more faith than either of her parent's parents ever had in them. A lot of this debacle has to do with the past fears of adults involved and nothing at all to do with my daughter.
Fear keeps us from faith and faith is what we dearly need.
Thomas Merton wrote the following on freedom in his
Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander:
"Freedom from domination, freedom to live one's own spiritual life. freedom to live the highest truth, unabashed by any human pressure or any collective demand, the ability to say one's own 'yes' and one's own 'no' and not merely to echo the 'yes' and the 'no' of state, party, corporation, army or system. This is inseparabl;e from authentic religion. It is one of the deepest and most fundamental needs of man, perhaps the most crucial need of a human person as such: for without recognizing the challenge of this need no man can really be a person."
I feel certain that we can apply the usual translation to include women and just make it "humanity". And by "religion" Merton does not mean the outward form (he was a contemplative) but rather the inward experience of God.
This is what many humans hide from in fear...to be authentic. They live in fear of other's projected fears and this is their undoing.
I believe I shall have to do a part two tomorrow. Keep praying for my kids.
Masks
A poem.
Walking into Lennon’s house
I saw the wall of masks
Stone masks of yellow limestone
Pumice
Weathered granite
Rough and pitted
All set in a simple white pine
Framing
The ceilings were thirty feet high and
Water gurgled from alongside me
And down a stairwell
As I passed the wall of
Thirty stone masks
Noted Yoko’s elaborate candles
Like an alter on a stand
Well used.
My daughter was playing on the ground
She was drawing
And we took up acrylics
And painted a mural together
With paints slogging into each other
Bright blues
Gold and yellow with
Lime green
Dripping into themselves
In a playful and beautiful
Dance
But someone else
To our surprise dislodged the shelf
Sliding away on wheels
And the beauty of that room was left
With a shattered mask
Lennon’s mask
Broken in half
Daughter looked up at me
As if to say
“Can you make it go back?
Can we just go back and paint?”
“No I can’t sweetheart
It's broken.”
I have to apologize
To John for the one mask
Because while I did not do it
It was on my watch.
I’m sorry John
Love means loss
Or loss opens the door to love
Grace and mercy
But you knew that
The painting on his wall is
Incredibly beautiful
Daughter smiles and
Jumps up and down
The waters of Jordan
Flow down the steps
The masks
Now only 29
Grin louder
In their stony way
I light a candle
And wait.
Fecundity
Boo and Peanut.
We like to be surrounded by life here, which is why it is weird that my kids are so obviously absent.
We have a weird dog who thinks it's a seal (or bat or giant slug); a fish tank of fish called Erik, two anti-social Budgies and two finches (seen above Boo and Peanut).
The finches are currently nesting which mean their may be eggs and baby finches in a bit.
They are awful cute. Peanut is the male and is doting over Boo.
This morning I was joking with Reese that in the middle of Peanut's little video-game-esq song of chirps, twills, caws and whatnot that he might add "Hav'n my Babah!..."
But even better would be the Jackie Roger's Junior song Daughter and I do back and forth....
"Shee loves Me-ah..and to my amazzzement...I love her what the heck does that mean!"
And then we crack up.
Life is about life and more life. Some people wish to mute that or pretend they can control it. But life always finds a way. That's how God made Creation....to be ever rich and with fecundity as the normative way of it.
I'm praying for daughter today and that she will have life and more life. And also that she gets to see baby finch eggs soon.
LIBF
They look so happy.
It was LIBF (Live-In Boy Friend) who threw down the gauntlet, not I.
Because the State of California has done it's dirty work a LIBF has more power than a natural father who has a clean track record for love and nurture.
Boy, I bet around now he wishes I was a plumber instead of a writer.
Okay, let's get a few things clear.
One, it is true that the reason good fathers get disenfranchised in a divorce is simply because women's track records are better than mens when it comes to kids. That's just a fact.
Men tend to simply to go looking to breed as soon as possible.
Well I didn't back in the Summer of 2001. In fact, knowing what I know I put myself on the bench as damaged goods after the divorce for...well...I held out for I think nine months...maybe ten, till the Spring of 2002.
You are supposed to go at least two years...maybe longer after a 15 year marriage. But you get lonely...and well there is this other issue:
DESPAIR.
Now I believe despair is named as a sin by many theologians and I cannot say I disagree with them. It is a repudiation of faith and faith is a major way of connecting with God.
Despair is not so good.
But it hits you like seemingly unending waves. You wake up in the morning and you puke. You sleep alone and scream into your pillow. You miss your kids and the sound of them sleeping and breathing in the next room. And you are essentially powerless to do anything about it.
So I was the first to become a LIBF. I dated, met a very interested person who wanted me to move in and because of despair I did.
You do not know at the time it is despair. You may even mistake it for lust or love.
But it's despair. Or was in my case.
Now that is just me. Other people shack-up for all manner of reasons not based on despair. At worst distrust and fear, at best you really like and love each other and get along.
*******
I only recently understood this because I am no longer in despair. You look back and go "what the hell was that?" Then you realize you were in shock because of too much loss.
Time heals.
*******
But at that time I did not see it. I suspected, because I am not gifted in repression (can ya tell?) I worried what my moving in with a woman not my wife would display to my kids. So I did the natural deflective things...I moved into a separate room. So she had her room, I mine and the kids there's when they came to visit.
But the problem is that without covenant you are really not committed. It's like having one foot in and the other on the fire escape.
(God shakes head).
As you might expect things did not work out and got even more ridiculous for a time until a met a woman in San Francisco. I was not LIBF because I was "shacked-up" elsewhere (inside joke).
I had a LIGF for a period of time. She is now my roommate. We are not intimate, more like simple family. I like this (most of the time..do not get me wrong, she is drop-dead gorgeous) because I feel free to just focus on God and I do not have to worry about "pleasing her" as Paul says.
I just have to be kind and respectful and remember to get my underwear off the bathroom floor and put her eyedrops back in the drawer.
Which brings us back to L's LIBF.See he is beholden to please her. Worse they are both involved in Christian leadership, and as such are supposed to be examples and consistent with biblical teachings.
Back when I was the LIBF the pastor of my church (and amazing man of love and truth) sat down with me. I had been becoming more and more involved with leadership. I'm a natural leader with some added gifts.
I really hardly ever lie...like maybe once every decade. So he knew I was LIBF and I even brought my girlfriend to events.
"You know I don't judge you and that I love you," he said.
I knew this. He proved it by action...and does till this day.
"What would you say if you were in my position?"
"I'd say you are welcome fully into this fellowship in all ways, but you should not be in leadership so long as you are living with your girlfriend."
He shook his head and laughed. "That was easy."
And that was that.
********
My Ex works at a Christian school and her LIBF is a major player in the Christian publishing world. Initially I was supportive because it is their lives and I'm not an over-moralizing hard guy without compassion. Plus, I figure I am in no position to judge, not that I should anyway (and neither should you).
So this is not judgment. That's not my schtick. I am built to be a healer (albeit wounded in Nouwen's sense), reconciler and peacemaker. Many people would be severely disappointed if I was unfair in this or over-zealous.
But war is being made on me regarding my kids. When that happens I will take up the sword (as I am doing now) with restraint (note I am not naming names).
An eight-year old girl enjoyed a good day with her Papi on a friday night. They decided to watch a movie and it was late, Not a harsh word was shared and she simply went out and called her mother who over-reacted and then LIBF declared (and it was a declaration that hailed back to some injury he himself incurred) that he "had to come get her".
He did not. It was dumb. Way dumb. And he is simply LIBF, not the father. Since receiving a fairly mindless email ramble from LIBF where he said words did not matter (tell that to his authors and the head of his publishing company) he has simply dropped off the planet.
I am sure he reads this and scratches his head and wonders "how did I get into this mess?"
Being beholden to the past and most assuredly the present relationship. How do they explain to the kids about living together and not being married?
Why, they have separate bedrooms in the same house.
Sound familiar?
*******
Just to be clear, for those who do not share a common commitment to Christian faith and practice I would not hold up this normative notion of martial commitment. My roommate is a self-confessed Pagan and I respect her beliefs and moral values. In fact, I find her a great deal more moral and "godly" than most Christians I know. More loving and honest as well. I never have to watch my back around her, and that is more than I can say about my Christian Ex-wife who is studying to get a Ph.D so she can teach other Christians.
As Melville said in Moby Dick, "Better a sober Heathen than a drunken Christian".
In this case the brew is power and control. And my kids are suffering for it. And so am I.
So I have asked her in the past about marriage and she basically said "Peh". She likes things as they are. I have to say that now that I am not LIBF, but just a roommate it has gotten simpler. No love has been lost, nor respect and I am also grateful to have her here as "witness" because otherwise I would be screwed yet once again.
My kids also adore her and trust her, and that is no small gift. She's maybe the best person I know.
Sons and Daughters
The Poochini next to the Jeep.
First of all, I want to point you to one of my other blogs.
http://kookachay.blogspot.com/I created this blog to chronicle good times and adventures with my youngest children Adam and Camille. It's mostly pictures because we like to get out and do things. We have many rituals...like "The Sandwich" and playing Uno or Authors. We even now have two "Bag's O'Fun" to carry various games and kites, swimwear, towels, footballs squirtguns, etc... These are all housed in the Rocket box shown above.
As you view the pictures you will see a long history of love and care. In the rare occasion that one of my kids has a problem with me they usually sulk. This is not manipulative...it is a reaction and heartfelt.
I take this as a signal we need to talk. I generally invite them out on the deck and ask them to air it out. I am quick to listen, very slow to anger and slow to speak.
Sometimes they are correct in a complaint. When that is so I feel it doubly important to affirm their observations so they will learn to trust them. When not, I point out things they have not taken into account and I ask respectful questions. So long as they are respectful (and my children always are with me) I have no problem being either wrong or right because they are the important thing. It simply important to get to the truth of any matter.
It is also important for children to be allowed to talk....to freely express themselves...once again respectfully. I saw that not because my kids have ever been disrespectful of me, but because if a child is shouted down or told not to speak and inner turmoil begins to brew inside that is unhealthy. In a worst case scenarios these children simply become bullies who use fists instead of words. In another they internal self-hate and fear.
One or two readers have wondered at my open and unrepressed airing out of this whole matter. I understand...I really do.
Some small part is my own past where I did not have the self-respect to speak openly, yet with respect on my own behalf. I no longer do that. I have a good voice and it is reasoned and fair. I am willing to change my view given newevidience...in fact I received an email just an hour ago that led to some editing of this ongoing chonicle. It was a fine observation and I stand corrected (and grateful).
No Father's Day in Placer County
Ah...these are just animal control folk from Placer. Good folk no doubt. But the dogs in Placer County are treated better than fathers are.
You really have no rights in some places and jurisdictions. You are judged guilty until you prove your innocence and they take your kids from you because we all know fathers are abusive and women are saints.
Well I have admitted to being naive. Having been arrested only once and for a crime I was exonerated for (completely) I trusted the system.
I was wrong to do so.
The system is corrupt and cynical. It is meant to grind and pulverize people. It also feeds into the coffers of related agencies that charge for their various services. It's a big business.
But I did not know that a few years back when my Ex demanded legal mediation. I thought it was going to be a discussion to come to peaceful solutions.
Since I had done nothing and there was never an incident of any kind (basically innocent) I felt I had nothing to fear.
It was, instead, a very personal tribunal. I told the truth and she lied and deflected...right to my face.
If you are a father in the State of California and you are ever summoned to one of these, do not go. They cannot force you and you are better off because once you show they can do anything they want with you. It's all on public record. And you are essentially powerless
There are no Father's Days in Placer County.
*******
The System is used by the aggresive party as a sort of hammer to get what they want. You figure the mediator, being trained to be objective, will see through this obvious attempt. At the very least whatever is asked of you will be asked of her.
Nope.
You leave the office in a kind of dull fog realizing you have done something very stupid.
Mediators are like judges outside the law and due process. They can decide anything and it will stay with you for years.
So after the "incident" with my daughter where, in two minutes and after a full day, she simply left watching a movie to go and watch with her brother and did not say she needed more attention I am now treated to the following statements:
We're going back to the court-ordered arrangement. You'll need to set up weekends with your parents or contact the court to find a place in the East Bay or Marin that will work as a supervised place. Or you can do what the court asked you to do and then you can go back to court and redo the custody/visitation arrangement. It's up to you.
Oh yes, that went well the first time...I feel sure it will go even better this time.********
Just to set the record straight. My parents live three or more hours away. We have worked very hard for years to hammer out a peaceful relationship which L could potentially decimate in a few weeks.
Naw...not going there.
My father and I have an agreement. We love and accept each other...are always honest and we leave personal matters alone.
********
There is a scene in
Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams confronts Sally Feilds about her persecuting him. She admits she was angry but that her kids need their father.
That is really the bottom line. My kids have a good father who loves and enjoys them and they are being witheld in a powerplay fueled by anger, and fear behind that anger.
********
Nothing can keep me from my kids. It may be six months until I can see them unhindered, but I will weather this and so will they. They know my love for them and no amount of dead words to justify her actions can change what has been established.
I did nothing wrong and I have a witness. It is also ironic that the next day my daughter was locked out of her own house and LIBF did not let her back in until 5-20 minutes because he was asleep on the job.
I'd say the Homer Simpson line "stupid poetic justice!"
except it was my daughter and she was in danger on their watch.That was an incident.They have never been able to produce one single example of an incident on my end. And Reese has watched me care for my kids for two years.
Not one.
*******
I was talking with Reese about this and the fact that I am like granite and L is like a dervish whirlwind.
"Yeah, but wind does some damage to granite right?"
"Yes. I never said it wouldn't hurt."
A Refreshing Visit
Old friend Rodan (Mike Roe) came by with Cheyanne last night and we shared good food, wine and long conversation on the deck.
It did my heart good after a raw week. As is true with all good and long term friends, their mere presence does the heart good.
Chy talked about her trip to England and we discussed her paintings. Mike and I are in agreement that she has an amazing ability to capture the human face. I'm a bit in awe of that as I cannot do it.
I never brought up the controversy about my kids as I feel it will blow over with time. Instead I told them stories that I have told my children about pranks...elaborate ones..and there was much guffawing.
Mike and I tried not to bring up Warehouse stories because it bores Chy, and we respect that. But there was an explanation of the John Terrel voices and early renditions of the "anatomy of a jelly donut". I mentioned that one of the main characters in my novel was based loosely on Terrel and that his character was not without redeeming aspects.
Chy did crack up at the mention of the Neely pronounciation of "Sane-tan". Who knows...perhaps the Neely's are just goading the Adversary. Hey, Martin Luther use to throw fecal material and curse the Devil.
We had good bbq roasted potatos, pork loin and fresh salad. Later we watched Triumph videos online and howled.
"That's ridiculous!"
It was a nice night.
Back to reality.
Phones
One of the most important rights that kids and parents have in a divorce situation is phone access. It's just a rule. When my daughter or son want to contact their mother, or vice-versa, they get to do so unhindered. It's in everyone's best interest, but mostly in the child's best interest, and for them to have some sense of security and access.
I have received many phone calls from an upset child over the years...but I just listen and let them get it out. That's what they really need. Not to be rescued or any such situation.
In the recent situation where my daughter was locked out of her house for something like 5-20 minutes she did not have the option of calling. She just reported it later.
Today I found that both my kids had been farmed out to others. I asked for phone numbers and was told I could not have them.Once again, if this was working on the reverse the police would be knocking on my door within 40 minutes.
I felt bad the one night when I was trying to console my daughter and my Ex kept calling every 2 minutes. I just needed five minutes without blatant intrusion.
"Just give me five minutes to hear my daughter...okay?"
Then I asked Daughter to call her mother.
Simple respect.
I have to wait until late tomorrow to even talk with my kids. What is L afraid of?
Her own demons.
I simply want to hear how they are doing and let them express themselves as they see fit. I want to affirm my love and commitment to them in a situation they did not ask for.
L fears this. Why? She has the power and if she has done nothing wrong then what harm can come for their father being available on the phone?
What would you do?
I appreciate those you you who have been reading and your views. Please continue to send your thoughts to me at Mac@azotuscafe.com.
The Price of Power
I met with my pastor friend this morning and discussed the situation. He reminded me there were limits, which is not always what you want to hear when someone is witholding your children from you. It's hard-wired inside. If the roles were reversed L would go insane and nuke my house until it glowed.
I am not insane. In fact, I have to be very steady and sane. Measured response.
Rod reminded me that we are all image-bearers, and as such I should also keep an eye still open to that image of God that my ex-wife posesses.
Of course, he is right. And that tempers my view.
Throughout the Old Testament lovingkindess and truth are always held together. The same in the New, only it is phrased "grace and truth". It is not always easy to hold both in a tension when things like this happen.
But you can by the grace of God.
My Ex is furious and threatening about my simply being truthful about all of this. I really have no further recourse. Repression is not healthy, nor is oppression. And if she could get away with it, and did not need a monthly check and a warm body as father, she would probably cut my heart out with a cold spoon.
So I will speak the truth, but I will temper it with grace.
Okay, what mistakes did I make? (Because there are always two sides).
I did just run out of gas on a friday night at 9:30 when my daughter needed a good ritual bedtime. I thought it enough to simply lay down on the bed and watch a movie with her.
I was wrong.
I take my daughter's needs seriously. I'm not perfect in this (obviously) but I do take it seriously.
By her own admission (and I feel sure she will never admit anything again in any context) L has fostered an overly dependent relationship with Daughter. I have seen this coming for three years...but I also have a sort of animal faith in L's ability to mother. She is a very good mother in most all cases. All parents make mistakes...it's just me who gets called on it when one is made.
The day after Daughter was whisked away "for her own protection" she was locked out of her new house in Alameda. It's hard to get an accounting of it, but the estimate is somewhere between 5 and 20 minutes that she was left alone in a new neighborhood and not safe.
But as I said, I tend to look at the long haul and see L's good points.
Well because I did not do the whole ritual I got an angry phone call within five minutes (remember that number?) Instead of talking I was yelled at in the way L use to do becfore she supposedly "grew up".
I went in and talked with daughter...but it was hard because the phone kept ringing off the hook like crazy. When I was done holding her and letting her cry I asked her to call her mother so they could talk.
By then Live-In Boyfriend (LIBF from here on out because he is not even a stepfather or married to my Ex) gets on the phone and barks that he is coming to get my daughter. LIBF reminds me quickly that I have no recourse as L has sole custody (which we shall cover tomorrow...now that's a fun story).
So remember...not a harsh word has been spoken, nor anything denied to my daughter that should could not have asked for. And actually, had she followed protocol and come to ask me to use the phone (which children always get to do in these cases...regardless) I would have sensed she was in need and we would have talked first and the whole "crisis" averted.
In such cases I am deeply grateful for my roomate who witnesses it all. She knows my love for my kids and my care and creativity with them. She has watched for two years and sees both how amazing my kids are and how I father them.
So the real issue is power and the price is very high. Currently my kids, instead of spending a great weekend with their Papi, have been shuttled off to other locations by their mother and LIBF because they are too busy to watch them.
So it's not about bedtime rituals or safety at all. It's about power.
In numerous emails I received yesterday from L there was a common theme...power (her having it) and the underlying theme of her own fear which drives her.
What she fails to realize is that when you take enough away from a person it does not matter. They become free to speak because they have nothing left to bargain with. It's a kind of freedom that I do not suggest for the squeemish. It's rough and raw...but you are free to speak.
So she has taken my children, legislated my relationship with them, used the power of the State to render me a second-class parent (without grounds) and now would like me to accept that it's all my fault.
Nope.
Tony Campolo says that "the person who loves the least has the power". He wrote a whole book on power and I suggest you pick it up.
I love my kids. L has the power.
Had Enough
Camille, age 8, with the Poochini on a recent walk.
Divorce is a horrible thing. I was about 15 when my parents split up, tried to come back...split up again. It was hardest because we had always been a family alienated. No one got along with anyone else, really from the beginning. I am thankful to say that today I get along great with my Dad, my sister, my younger sister and my step brothers and their wonderful mother Dee.
I have been through two divorces, which means they should place a yellow sticker on my arm to warn off women. I accept this and it humbles me. At age 49 I find myself not needing a woman to feel complete or at home. I am grateful for my roommate who is beautiful (gawd), kind and honest. But we don't have to be a couple. I am content.
My Ex-Wife Lori is not content. And everytime I start to get content she becomes a malcontent and starts to mess with me. I have friends who have watched and observed this for years and years. More than one friend has said "it's like she has a sixth sense...she always knows when you start to move ahead".
It's true. She is dead on everytime. I can be down in a hole and lost and she leaves me alone...but I start making real gains and whammo! It has come to the point where whenever I decide to make a major change I simple "factor" that in.
I am factoring that in now.
So now her power is waning. She can really only manipulate the youngest child...my daughter (see above). She is only 8. The Boy is 13 and is way too saavy at this point. So my daughter is the pawn.
My Ex-wife is a Christian, as am I. Her live-in boyfriend is an influential editor for a Christian publishing house. My roomate and I have been lovers, so I claim no moral superiority in any way. As a matter of praticality I suppose they should shack-up. He is not a bad man by any means...just pompass and anal. They are well suited for one another and I wish them well.
But she is keeping my daughter from me now. And I shall write about that in my next installment.
The Citadel
The Citadel Deck.
It is amazing what we take for granted every day. I really try to not do that.
I live in a beautiful city, with a beautiful roomate and we have an adorable dog.
(One of the four birds I am not so fond of...but it's a family nonetheless. )
We live here basically in peace and mutual respect (except for the one bird). There is freedom here. We both would like to see some change in the other, but we don;t push it. Again...respect, and also communication. We do talk about these things on occasion.
But mostly we just really like each other's company and there is simple love.
This is new to me. And it is new to her from all accounts.
We are less like a romantic couple and more like just family. I watch her backside pretty good.
She is considering a major life-change and I am supportive. It is hard to predict what will happen...but it is intriguing.
I guess as long as we are communicating and doing what we can, that is the best thing.
That and it is good to sit on the deck and smell the good air (with a hint of eucalyptus and sea air), pat the dog's huge head and be grateful you have landed here.
The Citadel is my castle and despite the warring factions I love it here.
Last installment of the Pacific Northwest Trip
John Paul and Erin Reese.
John Paul asked if I would come back to the hotel and spend another 30 minutes talking. I called tabs and she graciously agreed even though it was 11 by then.
We conscripted Studer in the parking lot and all headed to the bar.
It was fairly obvious we were all tired, When I enetered it was then the guy at the bar made his funny comment. I settled in and we spoke and basically just enjoyed each other.
Erin came down and I realized I would not see her again for ...well who knows. She gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear "I promise you I will love him and always be there for him no matter what." Then she looked me in the eyes to make sure I got it.
I got it.
I did not expect or require this in any way.
I believe her and I was blessed to hear it because I really do love this man and now I love Erin too.
She is a stunning woman, but John Paul would want more than just beauty. Depth and heart...honesty, even if painful (so long as it is real). Erin has all these things.
They will have their fights and I am sure some of them will not be pretty simply because they are both forces to be reckoned with. Given their passion they will need humility and a near gut-wrenching and costly compassion for one another.
Still I very much like their chances.
I imagine I will visit them in the Spring when things have calmed down...though I may see them in Philadelphia in October for Mark's wedding.
If I do go (and remember I started this 30 part series saying I was going to be indulgent) I also hope to meet Martha and her husband for the first time.
I hope Jon Spritz will come down from Maine. He is simply the funniest man alive and a great writer (much better than I, but I am pretty fucking good). He is the only man who has caused me physical pain because of humor. I have literally had to leave the room because he is too funny.
I may try and impose on Rick Luoni to stay with him in Philly so we get some "brother" time (and also to cut down on expenses...I am not a rich man and these wedding trips are costly).
All in all, I am grateful to God for my trip to Portland and Seattle. I am a recluse, so my time with Tabs, Jon, John Paul, Erin, Mark and so many others was, well...kinda life-changing.
I am not a simple man, but my time there was simple.
Double click on photos
Ryan, James, Evan, Chad (one of the two Chads), Chris Abby, Breanna, Dave and Jon.
It is interesting and weird being 49. I forget that I am and my roomate will tell you this is pervasive.
So you look over at this table at the K-School and see this lively crowd of 20-somethings laughing and eating and then at the far end of the table is this big greying Scotsman just enjoying himself.
These are my brothers and sisters, and they treated me like just one of the gang for those few hours. The age difference did not seem to matter, which was good because it didn't matter to me. I laughed my ass off listening to Chris do comedy routines, Chad told great stories; James and I talk philosophy shop. I had already heard Breanna sing (wow!) and Abby is funny and animated. Jon was most definitely my wingman. Ryan was quiet that day (maybe he is most fo the time, I dunno) but I really dug his ear-pierce thingy.
You can see from the picture they are a happy lot.
Of course the key, for me, was Tabs, who had not yet gotten there because Jamie was sick. They showed up later. She preceeded me withthe group so when I sat down with Jon Abby said "oh..so you are the infamous Mac"
I almost looked up (it's an old "The Saint" joke).
I was writing in another context recently about C.S. Lewis' essay on The Inner Ring. Lewis shows both sides of it (if I remember...it's in the same collection as The Weight of Glory, which is quite simply the most amazing sermon EVER).
I was accepted for Tabitha's sake at first, and later on my own because they sensed how much I enjoyed them and how open I am.
Anyway, this is a community and I came from out of town...old enough to be a father, a large presence...also geeky. I am not making a comparison except to be humorous, but Sheldon Vanaukin and his wife were so young when they met C.S. Lewis..and yet they had a close comraderie and friendship. It did not matter that Lewis was old, fat and geeky because there is a youthfulness to the Gospel...and a common ground and a winsomeness.
People argue for and against the existence of God. I understand the reasons why...I really do...but when you sit and bread bread with such as these and see all their gifts and angles and life in Christ you cannot NOT be moved and grateful for God's love and creativity.
Of course some of them will read this. And a couple will go "that dude thinks too much...it was just lunch".
And so it was.
P.S. and I brought Terminator Stout Mustard back and every time I have it on my brats or dogs I'm gonna smile.
Oh also...Chad is one of two Chads that help make up Missio. Check them on myspace. Breanna is lead singer for Ryehollow...do the same.
